Roller Coasters

I loved roller coasters growing up. I was that girl that wanted to ride them all. Upside down, round and round, up, down, loop de loops... bring em on.

Today, not so much. Why? Because for the past 15 days, my life has been a roller coaster. Seriously, up, down, up, oh, hold on baby because this down is a big drop... whoopeeeeee this is a big up. On and on..... and I am tired of this roller coaster. I like exciting and fun but I need back the day to day boring monotonous stuff that I am used to. I need to breathe and not cry anymore and rest. Sleep is not usually an option for me anyway, but I need some. I am so over emotionally drained it is no longer funny. I think it hurts to smile anymore. I am just afraid for anything even remotely good to happen anymore, because for every single good or amazing thing that has happened to me or someone in this family.... something bad or even.. dare I say it....REALLY, REALLY horrible has been happening within a days time frame, and I am at the end of the canyon just waiting to be pushed right on over the proverbial edge.

Just when I think I may see some relief, life throws me another round of soap in my eye. And it is not the gentle, no more tears kind of soap.

At least after today, I can wash my clothes with that soap that is in my eyes! It only took two and a half weeks, a lot of tears, along with a few choice words in a screaming match, to get this baby delivered.

I guess that is a, "half-full," way of thinking about it!

(Look out tomorrow, who knows what will happen now!)

Dozer's first..

BUBBLE BATH!!!!!!!!

I know this may seem stupid to post to some. I just have to say that this little lady has helped to heal my babies (ok, our entire family's) broken hearts.

Birthday months....

I feel so bad for Jax this year. I would have to say that this years birthday month has got to be the worst one ever for our family. He has taken all the good and bad in stride but finally just broke down this weekend. The past few weeks have really taken their toll on this big boy and he just needed a little extra TLC.

Thankfully, before the meltdown, my family was out to visit all day, to celebrate his birthday. We always get the same exact birthday cakes now. They are the best and everyone eats them until they are gone! I think it will take quite a few days for everyone to recover from this party and the sleep-overs!

Happy Birthday Month Jaxi! Thank you for letting Pudgie think it is ok to help blow out the candles and then stick his fingers in the cake! You are the best!

Torn

Once I told Jax and Binky about Tigger, I had another task ahead. I had to explain the 4 new little paws that were scampering around our house, just waiting to meet her new family.

You see, my Dad can only allow for sorrow to fill a childs heart for minutes. I knew it was going to come to this. My kids are still grieving the loss of Tigger. Jax cries at odd times and Brinkley breaks down at a moments notice. It will get better and I think that a new love is going to help it right along.

With a strict realization that nothing can ever replace our Tigger, I happily introduced Jax and Brinkley to DOZER. My Dad found her through an MCSO breeder and brought her over within an hour of hearing about Tigger. He was determined to help and all I could do was stand back and accept it. I was at a complete loss at how to handle this whole situation, so when all else fails, listen to Daddy!

Jax was torn about whether it would be ok to love her, when he was so sad about Tigger. Brinkley warmed up a little quicker even though she sobbed the entire time we all played. Dozer looks so much like our Tigger did, when he was a puppy. It is fun to see this type of dynamic in our house since Tigger was already big when Jax could actually play with him.

As for our newbie Dozer, well, she is definately winning over some hearts in our family. Maybe softening the breaks in them, if only just a little!

A GOOD Good-bye

I have a book about: this and that, love and friendship, and emotional things. One of my favorite parts of the book talks about loss. It talks of physical injury and emotional injury and loss in general.

The book is called, "The Portable LIFE 101."

It is a book of random quotes from famous people and from different books. It has gotten me through many a rough waters in my life. It is falling apart and has quotes highlighted throughout it. I keep it in my bathroom vanity drawer for quick reference when I take a bath.

I needed it this morning. I actually knew last night, what today was going to bring, and I couldn't bear to face my kids without reading some quotes. Even after, I had to get through the morning like nothing was wrong.

Quote #65 says:

This is a lifetime of good-byes. As we continue with life, we will say good-bye to cherished people, things, and ideas. Eventually, we say good-bye to life itself with our death. Learn to say a GOOD good-bye.

At 8:25 this morning, Tommy and I had to make the heart-breaking decision to say a GOOD good-bye to Tigger. Tigger started seizing at 9:25 last night and never really stopped. He was non-responsive, even to me. He bit me in an effort to protect himself when I tried to get him to take a drink of water and he was basically paralyzed in his hind legs. I don't know what brought this on, but it was, literally, overnight that this happened.

The vet told us, immediately after checking him, that he was suffering. Not even valium could make him relax enough to let his brain rest to stop the seizures. I could not do that to our dog any more. He has been with our family from the very beginning and will be in our hearts forever.

Now comes the arduous task of telling my little babies that Tigger is in Heaven. I am really not looking forward to this afternoon! Or the rest of this week, for that matter.

The Telling..

I promised not to lie to the kids about Tigger. I knew how I was going to lay the groundwork for my words to not sting so bad. I had cried all day long and was utterly emotionally drained.

What scares me the most out of this entire day is Brinkley knew something was wrong the minute she saw me. She asked me what happened the second she walked up to me. I told her we needed to wait for Jaxi. She begged me to tell her what happened. She started pulling at me. Then she waited.. until she could not hold back tears. Tears for an unknown reason but still big girl tears of fear. Jaxi walked out and I held my breath.

I don't know how we even managed to walk home. I think I was holding both of them up. Jaxi was sobbing uncontrollably and Binky was past the point of being able to console her. I did not expect the intense emotions from her.

Jax begged me to bring his dog back. I pretty much fell into an uncontrollable sob at that point. No Mom ever wants their children to hurt but I also want them to understand that we will get through this loss as a family and we will be fine. We, of course, have to be... because Grampie Frank was just as sad as I was. And Grampie Frank does not allow for sadness when it comes to losing your best Boxer..........and Tigger was just that... the best dog a family, or a neighborhood could have ever asked for.

TO BE CONTINUED...................

Emotions

My Dad is one of the most emotional men I know. He has no problem showing anyone and everyone that he loves them... anywhere. He often hugs and kisses Tommy, while they are both in uniform, at work, when Tommy stops in at the hospital. He is not intimidated by anyone and is basically a hugasaurus kinda guy! I love it!

I dreaded calling my Dad about Tigger. I had called my Mom while we were rushing to the vets office but did not call my Dad until we had already come home in a heap of sobbing emotional mess.

My Dad loved Tigger just as much as we did. He is a huge lover of boxers and has lost one too. When I called him I just could not stop sobbing. He cried with me. I love that my Dad cries right along side us when we are sad or happy. That was the moment my Dad jumped into action.

He made me promise I would talk with the kids about loss and let them grieve for Tigger. (I know now, this is going to be a long process.) I promised I would and that I would be totally honest when they asked me questions about what happened. He cried a little more and told me he would talk to me in a little bit, because Daddy needed to get to work. Let me tell you, when he is on a mission.... LOOK OUT!

De-ing

When Tommy and Binky left for California, I vowed to start cleaning out the house. Not just dusting and moping floors... cleaning out the house. Every nook and cranny was getting organized and I was in full de-cluttering mode. I turned to one of my buddies to help me with the entire process, which I now know, is really not going to be as quick as I thought.

I do not have the attention span to stick with one room for hours upon hours. Nor do I have the free time to do that either so I am using one trick I learned from Jax's preschool teacher. She called it the "20" rule. 20 minutes to find 20 items to throw away and 20 items to donate. I did this repeatedly in every room. Jax promised to watch and play with Pudgie as I bounced room to room and filled giant garbage bag after giant garbage bag. It is taking me a lot longer since I promised play time to the boys and didn't want to make the entire weekend together consist of mommy cleaning and the boys being 100% bored. (WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE FOR 3 DAYS WITHOUT MY KIDS TO KICK THIS HOUSE INTO TIP TOP SHAPE)

On Friday night I had to go up and down our street to find empty garbage cans since mine was filled by Thursday morning. After texting my friends and letting them know it was my pink garbage bags overflowing their cans I had to finally give in and go to a dumpster around the corner, as well. It was an awesome feeling throwing away this stuff. What is really sad is that I could not tell you what is now gone. Kitchen cabinets are empty, bathroom drawers are empty, shelves in the linen closet and laundry room...empty and I have no idea what the heck the garbage was.

I had not even started with the, "to donate," items yet. By Sunday morning I was amazed at how much stuff I had amassed in my own closet. I took two brand new sweaters, that still had tags on them, over to Trish's house and left them on her doorstep in a little secret Santa bag knowing that she would look so cute in them at church. I could not bear the thought of giving them to someone I did not know... and they were so pretty with the beads and sequins so I knew she would like them. Enjoy them Trish.. and if you were just being nice.. I know you will find someone to love them!!! Ok... onward I trudged.

I found all the baby room items that I had tucked deep into corners of my closet, lamps and boxes and trinkets alone filled a giant Christmas box. Nine 32 gallon garbage bags filled with clothes that I have not worn in years. Seriously, more clothes in those bags to donate than some people even own.

When I told Brinkley I had cleaned out all her drawers, closet and armoir, she panicked and begged me to tell her what I got rid of. I told her if she didn't know what was gone, she would never miss it. The poor girl has not grown in size in 3+ years so most of the clothes are just completely worn out. Others are just from when she was 4. Time to let it go.

As for my closet. I am still on a mission. I told Tommy that every time I walk into it now, I have to walk the aisles, which are more like a Macy's department store than a closet in a home, and I have to part with at least one thing. Each time I have done it over the past 4 days, I have walked out with a minimum of 7 items. This does not even include the three hours I spent in there cleaning it out. Unfortunately I have only been willing to kiss one pair of shoes good-bye. One pair of never-worn 9 year old shoes. STUPID I tell you. I am working on it though. Gotta let it go.

This is my year to down-size and get back to the basics. I have worked on my kitchen cabinets and have huge plans for them. My garage is coming along, the linen closet and laundry room are all getting organized and my shoulders are feeling lightened. It doesn't seem so daunting now.

My friend Val told me that when she moved, the hardest part was the emotional tie to the, "stuff." Once the tie is cut it is so much easier. It was amazing how quick I was cutting ties this weekend.

Why I thought I was attached to some of this stuff is beyond me. I can rationalize the old yearbooks and some old letterman jacket but I really don't think I need to keep paperwork with a signature from high school that I can not even read. Ugggh I can not believe I moved this stuff... TWICE. What was I thinking?

I have to admit, de-cluttering is a messy job. It is not easy and when I thought I had done it in the past... I was seriously wrong. I have a feeling I will be filling the neighbors garbage cans again this week.... since I won't have Jaxi home watching what gets tossed from the toy closet and begging me to let it stay.

In my mind I am picturing an Ikea or Pottery barn-esque organized house. I have come up with some great ideas for towels and kitchen organizing but I need more. More for the kids rooms and the toy closet and just all around organizing. The more books and magazines I read, the more I am just teeter-tottering back and forth about what will and will not work for us. I love the look of my storage shelf cubes from Ikea but they are out of view to everyone except for the ones in Jax's room. I am worried if I do more of these shelves with baskets I will just shove stuff in them to get it out of view. Does anyone do this besides me? How do you people that have immaculate houses (ahem Leslie) keep everything in its place? I feel like once I get one room organized and move onto the next, hurricane, "Jensen family," runs through it and I am back at square one.

If anyone has any suggestions, I am up for it because I am gonna have one clean-mean-shining-machine kinda house this year. I am just hoping it only takes a few more weeks to get there!!!!!!!!

45 Minutes...

That is all it took for Tommy to find his mom the new car she bought. It is a beauty. Way to go!! (and 40 of the minutes were the drive into town)

Now come home!!

When it rains

Lucky me..... It spews bleach and soapy water.

Life has been awesome lately around here. Nothing spectacular has been happening. I have just been enjoying the little things and going with the flow. Happy is as happy does, I guess. If I were a dog I would be a big dopey dog that is happy chasing its tail. Is that strange?

So, Tommy is in now, the middle of an emergency trip to California to see and help his mom, who had a pretty bad car accident. She is just now seeing all the after effects and finding the injuries that should have been checked, but that is a whole different post. With that, we decided to take advantage of the trip and send Brinkley with Daddy. Jax and Pudgie are holding down the fort here. Or, as Daddy says, "spying on Mommy."

I made the deal with Jax that he could stay home from school as long as he kept the little Pudge man busy so I could de-clutter and do early spring cleaning around this monster-mess house. Goodwill is going to love us this week!!

Wouldn't you know it...... fate had to intervene in all my plans. Five flippen minutes before Tommy is ready to embark on his Daddy and Binky adventure... my washer starts spewing bleach and soap water out of it. I just stood there. Staring..... aimlessly. I was not even mad. Not sad, NOTHING. Just aimless staring.

I bounced down the stairs, walked into the kitchen and matter-of-factly told Tommy that the washer was spewing water everywhere and I was buying the new Cherry red LG steam washer we had researched when the belt in the dryer broke. I was totally kidding. I had no idea what I was going to do with a broken washer, but I am confident enough that I could figure it out and get through it on my own. I probably could fix the thing. Actually, I know I could.........

Needless to say, Tommy looked up and said, "are we getting the dryer too?" So much for trying to shock him into a purchase. Such is life around here. He is my ultimate consumer.

Thankfully Tommy was just happy that I was not going bonkers over the whole situation. No yelling, no screaming, no tears. That, and the fact that I have wonderful neighbors who let me wash the load of laundry that was starting to stink from sitting in a washing machine all afternoon made everything worth smiling about!

All's well that ends well. I don't even get that quote, really. I don't know why I even wrote that. It doesn't really make sense. Ok, anyways....

With that.. my lovely little cherry red LG washer will make its debut in our home on Wednesday. The frugal flugalbinder in me is holding off on the dryer (mainly because they would not be able to deliver it until February 6th.)

And really, do the washer and dryer really need to match? Maybe since she is soooo pretty I will start to actually like doing the laundry?

Nah.. never gonna happen, but one can wish!




How sad of a woman am I? I really thought that I didn't have to have a matching washer and dryer. I was not going to be crazy anal about mismatched items and I was not going to let myself lose sleep over it. At 3:30 a.m. on Friday morning, I ordered the dryer. I was almost physically sick over the thought of two different kinds of machines in my laundry room... and then I couldn't sleep knowing that they were going to be two different colors. CRAZY, I know. Thankfully Tommy just laughed and asked how my redecorating is going in the laundry room. I have to paint it for it's new tenants. And, I get to paint it crazy since no one ever goes in it....... I am going for Cherry red and black zebra!!!!!!

Half~full

I am happy to say that I have always been the "at least half-full" kinda gal. Even when my life was going to hell in a hand bag, or I had a bunch of metal rods holding my body together, or some psycho was threatening me with a gun... my life has always been, more than, half-full. I like half-full. You can let your guard down, a little, with half-full and you can enjoy the little things just a smidgen more, at half-full.

The way I see it, if you are half-empty, you're sinking and struggling and possibly hitting that proverbial rock bottom at times. I've hit bottoms. Too many times to brag about. The difference with my bottoms were that I had no idea I was at a bottom, until I had re-surfaced and moved on, into my, "half-full," kinda life.


Maybe I am naive.


Somehow..I don't think so.


I have always denounced resolutions for the new year. I even wrote about how I never make resolutions and maybe put some people down, inadvertently, while I did. At the very least, I know I offended some since I received hate mail. Ok, maybe not hate mail.. but still.. as Pudgie might say..."Nos so nice" remarks.


So this year, being no different than others.. there are no resolutions. Tommy and I spent New Years Eve.. together.. in his work truck.. hooking up drunks and going to family fights and just being together.. I know.. How romantic is this? Whew... lost my train of thought for a sec.

We laughed about the past and present and talked about some dreams and realities of our future. We made some little plans here and there and made a semi-sub-conscious pact to, "enjoy" our family, each other and ourselves, more. Enjoy the extended family more and laugh at all the little blunders that happen every single day. We talked about prioritizing ourselves and our health so that we never need to worry who would take care of the kids and taking time out for, "talking time".... together, just the two of us. We both know that the three munchies know how to nudge their way into a room and dominate a conversation in a matter of nano-seconds and we vowed to stop them in, "mid-mommy scream."

It is slowly working.

Things are crazy and lazy and hot and cold and busy, busy , busy around here. Our priority for health and fitness is and always has been, on-going. Anyone that is remotely close to us knows that we refer to our gym as our church. On the 3rd of this month I finished up a contest with our gym. We got, as I lovingly refer to it as, "TICK DIPPED," to test our body fat 6 weeks ago. How sick is it that we got tested the Monday before Thanksgiving??? The whole point of it was to watch what we ate throughout the holidays and still have fun.

I was not dreading the second test, although, I can not say I was wildly happy either. I ate a fair amount of chocolate chip cookies and my sister's most yummy, pumpkin bread so I was hoping to, simply, maintain. I was shocked and worried when I was weighed and then dunked. I almost fainted when I found out that I had lost another 5% body fat in the six weeks. I was so excited.... but that much fat percent loss without trying or training for a show is rather high.

STILL.........Damn Skippy... I won the contest.

Yeah for a free membership to our gym!!!!!!!!!

Half-full kinda life, I tell ya! Things just keep looking up.....

*The two munchies brought home their report cards last week. Straight A's.

*I got amazing news in the mail.

*Pudgie is talking better and better everyday.

*Tommy's squad produced record breaking numbers last month, thus, producing a boss that is happy as ever when he comes home to our house.

*It has not rained in a few days so I can walk without hearing cracking in my hip and spine and knee......

SERIOUSLY........HALF-FULL!

Maybe I have just chosen to see the happiness and stop the complaining. The half-full glass is very complimentary to my extremely full life. I can't change things that don't warrant change and I have chosen to just not associate with people that moan and whine and complain about everything under the sun. It seems to be working, even without having to make the resolutions... that we all know get broken anyways!

Wayne's World

What a beautiful day it was to visit the Phoenix Zoo. My sister invited us, last minute, and I just ran with it and decided that the kids would love to spend a Sunday there.

Funny how things just turn out perfectly. As we were making our way, slowly, through the first two exhibits, we came upon a sweet little man in a wheelchair. He was the expert on the where, who and what, of the zoo. I don't even know how the conversation started, but he directed us to the lion's den and from that point on, "Wayne," become our own personal tour guide of the entire zoo. Wayne spends a minimum of three days a week at the zoo and knows all the employees by name. Wayne is a 21 year veteran of the Navy and is in a wheelchair. Wayne was a complete doll to all of us. Our kids rode on the wheelchair when they got tired and Wayne told us stories of his granddaughter. I think Wayne enjoyed our company just as much as we enjoyed his. Wayne spent 4 1/2 hours of his time with us and smiled the entire time. He knew what animals had passed away and what animals were just recovering from being sick. He had our kids learning about everything. By the end of the afternoon, all of our kids hugged Wayne goodbye and thanked him for being so generous with his time and knowledge. (Now, don't think for a second that the cop in me didn't go through the whole... scan the man, think, think, think..... try not to go down the road of, "why is this older man talking to my kids?"... because, without a doubt, I did... and even Tommy questioned it, but in the end, Wayne was just a nice man wanting some company!)

We had a great day chasing all the little ones around the zoo and eating munchies we normally would not eat! Here's to our new friend and all the animals we got to see and touch today!!

Thank you Auntie Kelly for the invite!!!



Just for Trish... This was the best picture I have of Wayne. Hopefully my nieces took some photos so I can get a better one!!

We're Expecting.....

This baby in a few weeks....

Hopefully sooner.................

I Love You Tommy!

Surprise!

Jaxi Bear

The first part of this post is an article Erma Bombeck wrote about her three children. I have loved it since the first time I ever read it... I think I was maybe 10. There were only two kids in my family but I was absolutely sure that my parents loved my sister best. They had to. Kelly was the good, shy kid that did everything right. She was older and wiser and I was the wickedly crazy dare-devil of our family.


Now I understand it all... I was adopted...


Just kidding.


It is just simply amazing how, as mom's, we can love our kids with such abundance and completeness, but in completely different ways. No matter how wickedly awful they can be at times.


So for my three babies... I do love you best.......

To the first born......
I've always loved you best because you were our first miracle. You were the genesis of a marriage, the fulfillment of young love, the promise of our infinity.

You sustained us through the hamburger years. The first apartment furnished in Early Poverty... our first mode of transportation, the 7-inch TV set we paid on for 36 months.

You wore new everything, had unused grandparents and more clothes than a Barbie doll. You were the "original model" for unsure parents trying to work the bugs out. You got the strained lamb, open pins and three-hour naps.

You were the beginning.

To the middle child...
I've always loved you the best because you drew the dumb spot in the family and it made you stronger for it.

You cried less, had more patience, wore faded clothes and never in your life did anything "first," but it only made you more special. You are the one we relaxed with and realized a dog could kiss you and you wouldn't get sick. You could cross the street by yourself long before you were old enough to get married, and the world wouldn't come to an end if you went to bed with dirty feet.

You were the continuance.

To the baby...
I've always loved you the best because endings generally are sad and you are such a joy. You readily accepted milk stained bibs. The lower bunk. The cracked baseball bat. The baby book, barren but for a recipe for graham pie crust that someone jammed between the pages.

You are the one we held onto so tightly. For, you see, you are the link with the past that gives a reason to tommorow. You darken our hair, quicken our steps, square our shoulders, restore our vision, and give us humor that security and maturity can't give us.

When your hairline takes on the shape of Lake Erie and your children tower over you, you will still be "the baby."

You were the culmination.

~Erma Bombeck



Dear Jaxi,

You are my first born. You are the first love I have ever felt that was truly unconditional. I didn't grow to love you. I loved you the second I knew about you, and probably even before that. You have always been a Mommy's boy. I find no fault in that. You are the one that we had to experiment with and you have never complained. I put enough antibacterial hand cleaner on you to kill just about anything, more protective helmets and pads on you than I care to admit to when you played, and taught you a little too well about stranger danger.

You are the one that everything needed to be perfect for. Your clothes had to be organized by size and your diapers had to be in rows. You never had a dirty face and you never wore an outfit that had a hole or stain. You were my trial and error child. The night you ate part of a cricket and I thought I needed to rush you to the emergency room, I thought I would die. I was learning the hard way how resilient you really are. You let me dress you in such cute clothes. Thankfully you couldn't talk, otherwise you would have hated me. You are the first to show me that material things don't matter. Family is first and you have nothing if you don't have love and laughter.

You have always been my quiet one that people fall for. You have a built in magnet that draws friends in and your kindness keeps them close. You have taught me there is no end to happiness. You are my love. You are my boy that has no problem hugging me, really hugging me tight, in public, or wrestling until we are both on the ground in pain! You are brilliant and wonderful and amazing all rolled into one.

You have everything and more to look forward to.

This year will be your best year yet!

I love you more than words could ever explain.

Happy Birthday Jaxi!

All my love,
Mom

Now onto the fun stuff..
After a dinner at Chuck E. Cheese, Jax and Daddy were on a mission this morning. I guess Jaxi has stepped into the BIG BOY realm now... and Big Boys like BIG TOYS................