A huge word to live by.
For cops, it is a: make it or break it, suspended or prison sentence, misdemeanor or felony, ticket or jail time, written in stone, kind of word.
For the past few months I have been trying a new tactic with myself. I am on a quest to improve me. Nothing to do with my family per se. Just me. As a person, a mom, a friend, a daughter and sister. Most importantly, as Tommy's wife. Because really, as an adult, he takes a back seat to the kids that need everything, RIGHT NOW! I am making it a point everyday to intentionally work on just being a better everything!
I talked with a very, very good friend last month and discussed how many times a month I am told that serious back injuries are the most debilitating pain a person can have. Couple that with any other type of serious and chronic pain and you have the perfect recipe for the recluse that shuts the drapes, closes off their family, forgets to eat, becomes addicted to meds and/or alcohol and slowly kills their life expectancy. I could have been that person. I could have shut everyone and everything out. I wanted to at some points. Two little tiny people saved me from that.
I was told this from day one, after my accident: Expect the worst, hope for the best, but be prepared. I live pretty much prepared but have an amazingly high threshold for pain. I am talking freakish. I can see how pain can kill a persons soul though. I watched it happen to friends that were hurt on duty and friends that just went through horrible things that they couldn't wrap their heads around. From day one I said I would not be that person. I couldn't be that person. I had many reasons not to be that person, but some days, damn, I felt like that person. Looking back, I was that person.
Tommy would beg to differ on whether or not I was nice a lot (or any) of the time I was trying to heal mentally. Problem was... I really did not think I needed to heal mentally. I just pushed it all into the deep dark parts of my brain that I choose not to think about. The physical healing was easy for me. I was in great shape when I had my wreck. Physically, I stunned the doctors.. I grew new veins, which is never heard of in modern medicine. Tommy did all the rest. Thousands of milligrams of calcium and dozens of egg whites a day will eventually heal anything!!!!
Mentally I was a train-wreck. I hid the fact that I was a broken soul that was lost. I lied to everyone that I was, " fine." Even to Tommy. I couldn't talk about my accident because I hated the fact he still went to work and did what I loved. To everyone, I was fine and on the mend!! I refused the tears when they wanted flow. I was too tough for that and would put my energy into loving my family and mending the body and eventually into being OCD about stupid things.
The mind is a muscle that is so much harder to heal. And when you think it is healed, it just might not be!!! I knew mine had a long way to go. I still hid the hurt and then started taking it out on the one who could have left all the garbage behind, but stood by me through all the bull shit that I threw his way... and yet, he still loves me day in and day out.
When something is ripped from your life, your heart and soul, the one thing you were great at and you took pride in doing every second you were there, you tend to become angry and sad and mad and frustrated and pissed off and vulnerable and violently confused, all at one time. All in a days expectations, so I was told. It was physically exhausting harboring all the negative feelings and the emotional trauma and the grudges for years.
Unfortunately, I did not understand I was doing this. I joked about it and shrugged it off thinking I was not that person. I wasn't still hurting and feeling empty. Hell, I smiled everyday and laughed with friends and played with the kids and socialized. I was not that statistic. Or so I thought.
I am naturally tough by nature and a hard ass by nurture. Even my friends in the neighborhood come to me when an issue arises in school and we need to get to the bottom of it... and the people at the gym tell me I frighten them some days. I still am not sure why, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I can cuss like a trucker and I will go toe to toe with the best of them. I am just guessing. Anyway....
For over 7 long years, I slept for 3 hours, at the max, at night. Never any longer than that and it was never, ever straight through. I harbored serious hatred at anything and everything I could think of for no other reason than I refused to let myself really heal. I can sure put on a good smile and happy face, though. No one would have ever guessed....even to this day. Most of the time I was miserable. It was exhausting and I was sick of feeling like I hated everything and everyone who was happy and doing the job they loved. I tried to kill myself working out like a drug addict looking for the endorphin high you get. Problem with that was, my broken body hated me right back and the vicious pain cycle started all over again every day about 3 PM... and that was when the little crumb-snatchers came home... and started getting yelled at about the stupidest things that would just grate on me. Years and years of this. All because I was stubborn and basically lying to myself.
I got down to 9.8% body fat, size 4 jeans, bought all kinds of stuff I thought I needed, purged my house of stuff that I probably should have kept, gave up a lot of real friends and started on a 6 month path of serious negativity that I thought was making me happy. That was just this year alone. The past 7 years have been a roller coaster that I am still wondering why Tommy didn't take a flying leap from. To put it frankly..... I was a bitch and I was tired of myself. Can't imagine what my family thought of me. So I quietly decided enough was enough.
I did something unconventional . I went to see my first PCP, that has been there for the past 30 years or so. I had gone to see him over 3.5 years ago for some help with things but I rarely ever need a doc. The fact that all things, "obstacle" fell into place, allowing me to even be seen were miraculous within them self, but what has followed since that day, is truly a God given gift.
When he walked through the door he immediately hugged me. He has seen me through softball injuries, debilitating ear infections that made me pass out right in his office, simple colds and then the Motor accident. He is an unconventional doc that has healing powers that surpass that of any medicine a human can be prescribed.
I had been reading a power of prayer pamphlet that he had in the exam room. When doc asked me what he could do for me today, I simply said, "I don't know. I don't know what brought me here, but I just need help."
He knew right then and there that I was willing to just give it all up to God.
He promised to be by my side in the most modern and unconventional ways a doctor can be. He laid his hands on me, he prayed for me and with me. He laughed with me and then cried with me. He told me he would look past the questions and uncertainties that modern medicine really are run by, and show me how to trust in the power of prayer and the gifts of the Lord.
I instantly felt my spirit lift. My heart opened. My mind let go of the bad. My soul felt relief. My body gave in. I shed tears the size of gum drops. Huge, full, literally splashing onto the floor tears of relief and grief and sadness and happiness and finality.
I was placed at the path to begin a true healing process. Doc promised to walk with me on this path. Being born and raised Catholic I believe in all the powers that God has, that Jesus heals all in ways that are inexplicable and when you give everything up to the Lord, he will never let you down.
It has been two months now. My life has changed in ways that I can not even begin to put into words. I feel different, I treat others different and I look at life different. I make it a point to intentionally plan for my day to be great from the second I wake up in the morning!
I am living again.
Truly living.
I think Tommy notices a difference. I think the kids do too. At least I would like to think so!
I hope that I this new me will eventually rub off onto this entire family so they can see what an amazing life we live and what our future holds.
to this one........
to this one......
and now, we have finally made a match. I fell out of Love with the white one almost 3 weeks into our relationship. She was cheating on me and I don't take kindly to that. The problem then arose that Escalades are hard to come by right now. In May they were a like sunshine in AZ on a July afternoon.... EVERYWHERE. Today, unfortunately, not so much. I was not willing to pay a shipping company to ship a "used in the snow vehicle" either. I probably could have taken serious advantage of this situation and just driven loaner after loaner until the end of the year, but that was getting kind of old.
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