Re-Visited...........T27

To this day, 7 years later, people still ask about my accident. I still cry about it. Some days I can get through the conversation, if I steer it the right way and avoid talking about certain things. Most days, it is inevitable that I will just let the tears flow if I can't get them under control. Some days I absolutely want to strangle people that tell me that I don't look like someone that has been through the kind of trauma that I have. What does that person really look like? Seriously? Should I wear my scars on my sleeve? I know I should be more proud of them. I still cringe when I wear short shorts and Brinkley runs her fingers across the burns on my leg and says, "Ohhh I know that was a bad one." When Pudgie points and says, "Oh Mommy, bad boo-boo, let's get a ban taaaid. Yeah, Mommy, bad." It never vaires. They always say the same thing and I feel like someone has just taken their fingernails down a chalkboard and grated my heart into tiny pieces.

I think that that hardest part about living everyday now, is knowing how much I loved what I did and having been forced to give it up. Any one who works in law enforcement has joked about taking a medical retirement for this or that, but until you face it, forcibly shoved down your throat, you just don't even know how really bad it sucks. I hear so many people complain about their jobs or their bosses or just anything and I just want to reach out sometimes and choke them. I want to shake them and ask them, "Do you know how lucky you are to be able to do what you love? To accomplish something everyday that you are so proud of? To have that self-worth that comes with supporting those you love and cherish?" I think sometimes people are so far removed from their own lives that they don't see what is really good.

When I hear people tell me that I am lucky to be home with Jax and Bink and Pudgie, I agree with them. I know that I am lucky. I see how a lot of families make huge sacrifices so that one parent is home with the kids. I do not ever take that for granted. I don't think that I realize it as often as I should, but I know how good things are in this house we live in. I know how very good we have it. This is going to be our best year ever.

This year I vowed to work harder at healing from this emotional mess of a mess this has caused. I hide the hurt pretty well. At least I think I do. I work hard to keep up physically so that my doctors won't start to treat me like I am 80 yrs old. I try to keep up with the best of the best when it comes to training the muscles that just don't like me anymore. I am so lucky that Tommy is always right beside me, encouraging me, even though he knows how much pain I go through. Without Tommy, I know I would never have survived!! I don't want to use the word blessed. I think it is over-used these days. I don't want to use the word charmed either. I don't live a charmed life. I am living a God-given life that is good. It is so worth the every day struggles and heart string tugs I feel on a weekly basis. I think the farther I get away from my accident date, the more comfortable I am with who I am, with what is left over and what is yet to come.

I have personally vowed to live better and be a better person this year, and every year forward. I know that, every day, for the rest of my life, there will be the, "before and after," of the day I went down on my motor. I would be lying if I said there wasn't. It will forever be the open raw wound of my life that will never heal but I can live that way.

Life is 180 degrees different for us now. Better? Most likely, yes. Harder? Certainly. Would I change a thing? Absolutely not. I was raised, and firmly believe that, everything happens for a reason. I still, to this day, do not know what the reason is. God knows the reason, and he knows that we have struggled every single day since, but one day, I will know and I will finally feel that peace that comes with that kind of closure. I can only hope that Tommy will stick with me throughout the rest of this journey that is my life, "AFTER."

The following is my post from last year. It took me 6 months to write it through many tears. It is so true, the stages one goes through when grieving. Sometimes I don't think I am through with them, which makes no sense to me, but I have stopped trying to figure it all out.

I take time, every few months, to re-visit my post, to remember and just realize how lucky I am. It is long and graphic and a painful reminder, but it is life. It is my life and I am proud to be the survivor that I am. I have also attached the interviews that Tommy and I did in Las Vegas for a Street Survival seminar. It was really the first time that Tommy has talked publicly about my accident. Again, on-going family therapy!

Enjoy, and remember,

LIFE IS NEVER SO BAD AT ITS WORST THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LIVE!

I am living proof!

Original post date- February 27th, 2006
THIS POST IS FOR ME. IT IS GRAPHIC, IT IS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT, SOME REFERENCES MAY OFFEND PEOPLE AND REALLY ... DOES THAT MATTER? THIS POST IS ALL ABOUT THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY MOTORCYCLE WRECK... AND FOR ME... THIS IS THERAPY. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO READ IT THAT IS OK. THE PICTURES ARE NOT PRETTY. MY WRECK WAS FAR FROM THAT. THE RESULTS EVEN FARTHER. FROM WHERE I WAS 6 YEARS AGO TODAY, TO WHERE I AM NOW... I AM PRETTY DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF AND OF WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY COULD HAVE MADE IT THROUGH THE HELL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND MOST HAVE READILY ADMITTED THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE SURVIVED (TOMMY INCLUDED.) MANY A HUSBANDS WOULD HAVE LEFT THEIR WIVES ... MINE STAYED AND DID THINGS FOR ME THAT I COULD NOT. HE FOUGHT THROUGH TEARS TO HELP ME GET PAST PAIN THAT WOULD CAUSE ME TO BEG JUST TO DIE.. HE PUSHED ME TO LEARN HOW TO GO UP STAIRS SO THAT I COULD GO HOME TO OUR HOUSE AND RECOVER WHERE I WAS IN FAMILIAR TERRITORY AND HE SAT WITH ME WHEN I WOULD BURST INTO TEARS BECAUSE I COULD NOT EVEN PUT MY OWN SOCKS ON. THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR BEING PHYSICALLY STRONG, EMOTIONALLY STRONGER AND DOWN~RIGHT STUBBORN WHEN IT COMES TO SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST!

I CAN ONLY SAY THAT HAVING A HUSBAND THAT WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME, THE LOVE I HAD FOR JAX AND BRINKLEY AT THE TIME, AND HAVING MY ENTIRE FAMILY HELP TO SUPPORT ME AND THE BABIES ARE WHAT GOT ME TO WHERE I AM... THAT AND AS I WOULD TELL EVERYONE IN THE HOSPITAL.... "I AM JUST TO MEAN TO DIE!"

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A BEFORE... AN AFTER.... AND 31 LONG DAYS IN BETWEEN. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME. SIX YEARS AGO TODAY I DIED.....AND THEN I WAS SAVED BY SOMEONE I CAN ONLY COMPARE TO GOD...... NOT ONCE, NOT TWICE, BUT THREE TIMES I WAS SAVED. I GUESS SOMEONE HAD BIGGER AND BETTER PLANS FOR ME! IT WAS FATE THAT, INSTEAD OF A MEDIVAC, THEY CHOSE TO SCOOP AND RUN WITH ME TO SCOTTSDALE OSBORN'S TRAUMA CENTER. IT WAS FATE THAT MY DOCTOR JUST HAPPENED TO BE THE ON-CALL TRAUMA SURGEON FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WHEN HE IS IN TOWN. IT WAS FATE THAT HE HAD SEEN MY EXACT INJURIES TWO TIMES BEFORE (I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SURVIVED THEM.) IT WAS FATE THAT HE HAD USED "OLD SCHOOL" TECHNIQUES RATHER THAN NEW FANGLED TECHNOLOGY TO SAVE ME. IT WAS FATE THAT MY HUSBAND WAS STANDING IN THE TRAUMA ROOM, WATCHING EVERY MOVE THAT WAS BEING MADE TO HELP ME... AND IT WAS SIMPLY DIVINE INTERVENTION THAT I EVEN SURVIVED.

I REMEMBER THE DREAM LIKE SEQUENCE OF IT ALL. MY LAST RADIO TRANSMISSION. "TOM 27, 10-4. 902 THE CHURCH." I RODE FOR AWHILE WITH A FEW OTHER MOTORS. I MADE MY TURN AND THEN IT HAPPENED. THERE WAS NO PANIC. MAYBE A LITTLE WHEN THE BEE FLEW INTO MY GLASSES. I CAN STILL HEAR MY PADS SCRAPING THE METAL AGAINST THE CURB. NOT A BIG DEAL. WE WOULD SCRAPE PADS ALL THE TIME. I CAN FEEL THE WIND BEING KNOCKED OUT OF ME AS I HIT THE BOULDER. I WAS SO VAIN ALL I COULD DO WAS ROLL OVER TO CHECK TO MAKE SURE MY TEETH WERE STILL INTACT. I HEARD CHRIS TELL ME TO LAY STILL AND THEN I FELT HIM LAY DOWN IN THE ROAD AGAINST ME TO MAKE SURE I WOULDN'T MOVE. I WAS TOLD I STARTED TURNING A HIDEOUS COLOR OF BLUEISH PURPLE AT THIS POINT. TOMMY STOOD AND WATCHED. I WAS DYING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

I HEARD HIM AS THE PARAMEDIC WAS TRYING TO START A LINE IN MY ARM. "OUR BABIES NEED YOU DEANNA!" "YOU HAVE TO BE OK." I WAS PISSED. I FOUGHT IN THE AMBULANCE SO I WOULD NOT GET THAT NEEDLE STUCK IN MY ARM. THIS WAS THE LEAST OF ANYONE'S WORRIES. I HAD JUST GONE DOWN ON MY MOTOR AND I WAS DYING AND THERE WAS NOTHING ANYONE COULD DO ABOUT IT.

I REMEMBER HEARING THE NURSE SAY, "SHE IS A MOTORCYCLE COP?" " ARE YOU SURE?" I COULD FEEL THAT I WAS NOT BREATHING ON MY OWN AND THEN I HEARD A SICKENING SOUND. I HEARD A DRILL. THE WHIZZ OF IT FREAKED ME OUT IN ADDITION TO THE FACT THAT I WAS NOT BREATHING ON MY OWN AND I THOUGHT I WAS NOT GETTING ENOUGH OXYGEN. THEN I FELT PRESSURE ON MY RIGHT KNEE. NO PAIN.. ONLY PRESSURE. WHAT THE??? THEY ARE DRILLING MY KNEE. I FORCED MYSELF TO MOVE MY FINGERS ON MY RIGHT HAND AND THEN I HEARD THE PANIC IN SOMEONES VOICE... "HER HAND IS MOVING." TOO MUCH HUSTLE AND BUSTLE. I CAN FEEL THE PANIC IN THE ROOM. I OPENED MY EYES. THE LIGHTS WERE PAINFULLY BRIGHT. THEN IT ALL HIT AT ONCE. A NURSE YELLED, "OH MY GOD, SHE IS AWAKE!" "GO GET HIM." HIM??? I WONDERED WHO HE WAS. THEN I HEARD THE CALMEST VOICE EVER. "HI DEANNA" I WAS PISSED. MY HANDS WERE STRAPPED DOWN AND I CAN NOT BREATHE ON MY OWN AND THERE IS TOO MUCH GOING ON. WHO DOES THIS MAN THINK HE IS? THEN, IT BECAME A MADE FOR TELEVISION SHOW........"DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?" "BLINK ONCE FOR YES AND TWICE FOR NO." ONE BLINK. "DEANNA, CAN YOU MOVE YOUR OTHER HAND?" ONE BLINK AS I WIGGLE MY LEFT FINGERS. "CAN YOU FEEL YOUR FEET DEANNA?" LOTS OF BLINKING. I DON'T KNOW. I STRUGGLED.. THEY ARE STRAPPED I THINK. I THINK I WIGGLED MY LEFT TOES. "DEANNA, I AM DR. WACHTEL" AND THE PANIC IS NOW GONE BECAUSE THEY PUT ME BACK UNDER. (I HAD JUST BECOME A STATISTIC. I WOKE UP DURING EMERGENCY SURGERY!)

I HEARD MY DAD AND TOMMY. I CAN FEEL TOMMY'S HAND ON MY RIGHT HAND. CRAP, I AM NOT BREATHING ON MY OWN STILL AND AGAIN, I AM STRAPPED DOWN. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE I OPEN MY EYES AND THERE IS A PRIEST AND MY FATHER ON THE LEFT SIDE OF ME AND TOMMY ON THE RIGHT TELLING THEM I AM NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS. HE WAS RIGHT. I WAS DOWN RIGHT LIVID. I THOUGHT THAT MY DAD WAS GIVING UP ON ME AND LETTING ME DIE. I THOUGHT THEY WERE GIVING ME LAST RITES. I THOUGHT THAT THEY FIGURED I WAS NOT TOUGH. I STARTED PULLING VIOLENTLY AT THE WRIST RESTRAINTS AND SHAKING MY HEAD BACK AND FORTH IN THE "NO" MOTION. (THIS IS NOT HIGHLY RECOMMENDED WHEN YOU ARE INTUBATED) I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO DO THAT. TOMMY KNEW ME BETTER THAN EVER. IN REALITY, THEY WERE PRAYING FOR ME, NOT GIVING UP ON ME. I FELL BACK TO SLEEP.

I HEARD KELLY TALKING TO ME. STILL NOT BREATHING ON MY OWN. STILL RESTRAINED. MAD MAD MAD. I STARTED SHAKING MY HEAD AND FLOPPING MY RIGHT HAND. KELLY GOT WORRIED AND THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS WRONG. THE I.C.U. NURSE HAD SEEN IT BEFORE. SHE KNEW. I WANTED TO WRITE. I WROTE QUICKLY BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW IF I COULD STAY AWAKE. I TOLD HER OF THE BEE IN MY HELMET, I KEPT SAYING I WAS SORRY AND THAT THERE WOULD BE NO MORE MOTORCYCLES AND I FINALLY ASKED HER, "AM I GOING TO DIE?" I HAD NO IDEA WHAT EXACTLY WAS WRONG WITH ME. SHE CRIED AND CRIED.

THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS WERE SEMI-CONSCIOUS DAYS. PEOPLE CAME AND WENT AND I DON'T THINK THE REALITY OF MY INJURIES HIT UNTIL THE DOCTORS STARTED EXPLAINING THAT I MIGHT NEVER WALK AGAIN. FOR ME, IT WAS NOT AN OPTION. I COULD FEEL THE PAIN, THEREFORE, IN MY OWN MIND, I WOULD WALK. IT WAS A GOOD SIGN THAT I WOULD PASS OUT FROM THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN. (SICK WAY OF DEALING WITH IT, BUT IT WORKED FOR ME AND THE LOGIC WAS GOOD IN MY MIND.) REALITY SET IN THE DAY THAT THEY RUSHED ME INTO SURGERY TO REPAIR A TEAR IN MY INTESTINES. THE PAIN WAS BEYOND INTENSE. I THOUGHT I MIGHT ACTUALLY DIE.

THINGS PROGRESSIVELY GOT WORSE FOR ME. MY PELVIC REPAIR SURGERY WAS NOT FOR A FEW MORE NIGHTS AND THE PAIN OF HAVING YOUR SPINE AND PELVIS LITERALLY RIPPED APART IS A BIT PAINFUL... TO UNDERSTATE THE OBVIOUS. TWO NIGHTS BEFORE SURGERY I WAS HAVING A ROUGH NIGHT. THIS WAS THE NIGHT THAT I STARTED HALLUCINATING THAT I WAS ON A RIDE WITH WILLY WONKA, I COULD LICK THE WALLPAPER AND TOMMY WAS SLEEPING NEXT TO ME IN A BOAT SURROUNDED BY WATER. THE REALITY OF THAT DREAM WAS.. THEY HAD TO PACK MY BODY IN ICE BECAUSE I WAS SCREAMING FROM PAIN, I HAD A 103 DEGREE FEVER FROM AN EAR INFECTION, THEY GAVE ME DRUGS TO CALM ME WHICH CAUSED THE IMAGINATION TO VIVIDLY TAKE ME ON MY TRIPS, THE PLASTIC BAGS THAT THE ICE HAD BEEN PLACED IN HAD STARTED LEAKING CAUSING WATER TO POOL AROUND THE CHAIR TOMMY WAS SLEEPING IN AND I PULLED OUT MY NG TUBE THAT WAS DOWN MY NOSE AND INTO MY STOMACH FROM MY FIRST EMERGENCY SURGERY TO REPAIR A TEAR IN MY INTESTINES.

I CAN STILL SEE THE LIGHTS OF THE CORRIDORS FLIP FLIP FLIPPING PAST AS I AM BEING WHEELED TO THE SURGERY WAITING AREA. THERE ARE COPS ALONG THE WAY. THE DOCTOR IS TALKING TO TOMMY MOSTLY. I AM JUST THERE FOR THE RIDE. EVERYTHING IS EXPLAINED AND I AM GETTING READY TO GO BACK INTO THE STERILE ROOM. TOMMY KISSED ME AND MY MOM HUGGED ME AND I CRIED. I TOLD THEM HOW SORRY I WAS AND THAT I CAN'T LET OUR BABIES BE HOMELESS. WHO THINKS LIKE THIS? MY MIND WAS EVERYWHERE. MY BABIES WERE A LITTLE OVER TWO YEARS AND ONLY 6 MONTHS AND I WAS DEATHLY AFRAID I WOULD DIE AND THEY WOULD LIVE IN A BOX ON THE STREET. I SERIOUSLY TOLD MY MOM THAT. SHE REASSURED ME THAT I WOULD BE FINE AND JAX AND BRINKLEY WOULD NEVER LIVE IN A BOX. OK.....I GUESS SHE WAS RIGHT.

WHEN I WOKE UP, REALLY WOKE UP, THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED THE ENTIRE SURGERY TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT HE WAS VERY GLAD THAT WE HAD ALREADY HAD OUR BABIES. "UMMM OKAY, SO I NOW HAVE PLATES AND SCREWS HOLDING MY BODY TOGETHER, LITERALLY, SO THAT I CAN, ONE DAY BE UPRIGHT, AND WHAT???? WHAT ELSE DID YOU TAKE OUT WHILE YOU WERE PUTTING ME BACK TOGETHER? MY ORTHO SURGEON EXPLAINED THAT ALL MY PARTS WERE STILL INTACT BUT BECAUSE I HAD TORN MY SI JOINT, AKA: "THE MOMMY JOINT" I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO CARRY ANOTHER BABY, I WOULD MOST LIKELY NEVER GET PREGNANT AGAIN ANYWAYS, BUT IN THE EVENT THAT I DID, I WOULD NEVER TAKE THE BABY TO TERM BECAUSE MY BODY COULD NOT HANDLE A PREGNANCY. WHAT??? THE SI JOINT IS THE PART OF A WOMAN'S PELVIS THAT OPENS UP TO DELIVER A BABY AND THAT EXPANDS TO CARRY A BABY. GREAT... MINE DOES NOT MOVE ANYMORE. OK. I CAN DEAL WITH THIS. WE ARE GOOD. I THINK. THEY ARE STILL NOT SURE IF I WILL WALK AGAIN... YEAH RIGHT. THEY HAD IDEA WHO THEY WERE DEALING WITH.

THE DAYS SLOWLY PASSED. I TRIED TO DIE AGAIN. TOMMY WATCHED IT ALL HAPPEN AGAIN. I PASSED A BLOOD CLOT THROUGH MY LUNGS. NOT THE MOST COMFORTABLE FEELING IN THE WORLD. RATHER SICKENING WHEN YOU HEAR A CODE BLUE GO OUT OVER THE HOSPITAL INTERCOM AND KNOW IT IS FOR YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE HOSPITAL AT LEAST 4 TO 6 MONTHS TO LEARN TO WALK AGAIN. THAT WAS NOT HAPPENING.

AFTER 3 LIFE SAVING SURGERIES, 16 PINTS OF BLOOD, STAPLES, STITCHES, A DIET THAT CONSISTED OF LIPIDS (THINK A GREY LIQUID OF GOUP THROUGH AN I.V) ANYTHING THAT I COULD HAVE A PERSONAL CHEF MAKE AND THEN KEEP DOWN, THERAPY THAT WAS BEYOND ANYTHING WE HAVE EVER SEEN (THINK HANNIBAL LECTOR IN HIS LITTLE CHAIR BEING STRAPPED IN WHEN HE STANDS UP)... YOU NAME IT AND I DID IT AND I CAME HOME. THERE IS A LOT TO BE SAID FOR BEING A STRONG WOMAN IN A MAN'S WORLD. I CAME HOME TO A HOUSE FILLED WITH HOPE AND A FAMILY READY TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO KEEP MOMMY AROUND.

LIFE CHANGED DRASTICALLY FOR OUR WHOLE FAMILY. I HAD TO GIVE UP ONE OF THE GREATEST LOVES IN MY LIFE WHEN I RETIRED FROM THE POLICE DEPARTMENT. IT STILL BREAKS MY HEART EVERY DAY TO THINK ABOUT IT. I MISS IT TERRIBLY AND SOME DAYS I JUST WONDER WHAT IF????

THEN, I LOOK AT TODAY. PUDGIE WOULD NOT BE HERE HAD THE WRECK NOT HAPPENED. I WAS FULL FORCE BACK INTO MY CAREER WHEN GOD PUT THE BRAKES ON OUR FAMILY. TOMMY AND I WERE SERIOUSLY LIVING LIFE AT FULL SPEED. AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED... I WAS DONE WITH BABIES... DIDN'T CARE WHAT HE THOUGHT. WE WERE WORKING A LOT... LIKE 70 HOUR WORK WEEKS EACH AND JUST FLYING THROUGH LIFE. IT WAS TIME TO SLOW DOWN. IT WAS NOT THE WAY I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN.....

TOMMY AND I HAVE SURVIVED WELL. I WISH I COULD SAY THAT THERE HAVE BEEN DAYS WITHOUT PAIN. THERE ARE NOT. THERE NEVER WILL BE. I CAN'T SAY THAT THERE AREN'T DAYS THAT I JUST WISH FOR ONE MORE DAY ON THAT MOTOR. ONE MORE DAY AS A COP. ONE MORE DAY TO MAKE THAT TRAFFIC STOP OR TO BE ONE OF THE "GUYS" ON THE ROAD! I DO MISS IT. BUT DANG, MY KIDS ARE LUCKY TO HAVE A MOMMY THAT: WAKES THEM UP EVERYDAY FOR SCHOOL, MAKES THEM BREAKFAST, WALKS THEM TO SCHOOL, PICKS THEM UP FROM SCHOOL AND HAS SNACKS WAITING FOR THEM, SITS DOWN AND HELPS WITH HOMEWORK, SCHOOL PROJECTS, PLAY DATES AND JUST ANYTHING KIDS NEED. THEY WOULD BEG TO DIFFER ON THE PART ABOUT MOMMY BEING AROUND SO MUCH TO SPANK AND YELL TOO... HEY THERE HAS TO BE A LITTLE GIVE AND TAKE RIGHT? IT WOULD NOT BE LIKE THAT IF I WAS STILL ON THE ROAD WITH TOMMY. I KNOW THAT.

I AM LUCKY. I AM ALIVE AND I HAVE A HEALTHY FAMILY. THREE KIDS THAT ARE WONDERFUL, DIFFICULT, BEAUTIFUL, MOUTHY, SILLY, LOVING, GROSS SOMETIMES, GOOFY, CUTE, MEAN, CRAZY ... JUST WONDERFUL KIDS....AND ONE IS A TRUE MIRACLE. I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT IS GREAT. HE DRIVES ME NUTS SOMETIMES, AS ALL HUSBANDS DO. BUT HE IS MINE AND I PLAN ON KEEPING HIM! WHEN I SAY THAT I AM LUCKY.. MOST OF YOU HAVE NO IDEA JUST HOW TRUE IT IS. MY LAST RIDE AS TOM 27 WAS TO ESCORT SGT. TOM HONTZ AND HIS FAMILY THROUGH A FUNERAL PROCESSION. TOM WAS THE FIRST AND ONLY SCOTTSDALE POLICE OFFICER TO BE KILLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY. I CAME HOME 31 DAYS AFTER TOM'S FUNERAL. I CAME HOME WITH BROKEN BONES, BRUISES, SCARS, PINS AND PLATES HOLDING MY BODY TOGETHER, UNABLE TO WALK ON MY OWN IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN, WHICH WILL MOST LIKELY LAST THE REST OF MY LIFE. I CAME HOME TO TWO BABIES THAT COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHY MOMMY WENT TO WORK ONE DAY BUT DIDN'T COME BACK FOR A LONG TIME AND WHEN SHE DID, SHE DIDN'T LAY ON THE FLOOR AND PLAY OR RUN WITH THEM FOR A VERY LONG TIME. FOR ALL THE BAD THAT HAPPENED TO ME 6 YEARS AGO... I CAN SAY I AM LUCKY. I CAME HOME.

ONE DID NOT.

Here is our interview in Las Vegas last year. It has finally hit me that I really need to be proud of what I did even though it all came to an end. Jax told me, just the other day how cool he thought it was that his mom was the first ever female motor officer for the city. I asked him if it ever embarassed him that I went down and had to end my career. He, without even skipping a beat said, "No mom, you make me proud to say you are my mom. You worked hard and were the first girl to ever ride a motorcycle for Scottsdale and that is huge. I would never be embarassed about you having your accident. You are tough." Sometimes it takes your 9 year old to teach you lessons on self-worth!

PoliceoneTV.com

Sunrise

6 YEARS
9 MONTHS
14 DAYS

(BUT WHO'S COUNTING?)

It is finally over. Good, Bad, or Indifferent.. It is done. I can't change what happened. I can't fix any of the lingering damage. Doctors can not fix the lingering damage. I can choose to be bitter or I can move on. I have not been able to move on simply because it has been hanging over my head for all this time. Lurking in the back of my mind. Keeping me awake at night and stealing some of my happiness. It has made me a screaming lunatic some days and others, simply, a sad woman. I can choose to let it consume me and eat away at my soul or I can let it go. It was not my choice to have it last this long. I have to deal with it for the rest of my life as it is. To have it gripping me until someone else decides how damaged I really am has had me at my wits end forever. Stealing precious happy moments from my family.. from me. Some days it felt like my sanity was at stake.

Having to take time to verbally re-live every detail was excruciating. Head to toe damage. The lasting effects. The trauma aftermath. The physical pain and the emotional wreck I have been. The why's and what's and how's. The poking and prodding and looking and oogling. It has been enough to put even someone like me into place where darkness could eventually win out. Where solitary seems perfect and simple.

For now, it is done. Forever, really, it is done. Today I had to re-live every aspect of my motorcycle accident. I can always find the good in things... today, that was hard.

To my family... I am so sorry for the crazy person I have been the past 13 days since we found out about this trial. I have been consumed with sickness at just the thought of having to really talk about it, to complete strangers non-the-less. It is so much easier to laugh it off in everyday conversation..... but to put it out there so graphically... it was not pleasant, nor was it easy for me! It is easy to realize after the fact that I judge people too quickly. Outwardly especially. I don't know what people go through or what really goes on behind closed doors. I do know that my attorney told me that I don't look like a woman with over 42,000 pages of trauma medical history, at first glance. It made me smile... a compliment? POSSIBLY.. but all I could think was, "how about I take my clothes off for you?"

And then I wondered, what would you like someone, like me, to really look like? Especially someone who refuses to damage their family or punish those they love because of something that happened to them?

I don't know what that person should look like. It really doesn't matter. I do know that I have not been the nicest person lately. I have not been the best mom or wife. The stress of this pretty much crippled this family and I should not have let it.

So, from here on out...it will be so much better.

Thanks for putting up with me guys.

The sun will rise tomorrow and I am sure the clouds are gone!!!

~T27~

THIS POST IS FOR ME. IT IS GRAPHIC, IT IS NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT, SOME REFERENCES MAY OFFEND PEOPLE AND REALLY ... DOES THAT MATTER? THIS POST IS ALL ABOUT THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY MOTORCYCLE WRECK... AND FOR ME... THIS IS THERAPY. IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO READ IT THAT IS OK. THE PICTURES ARE NOT PRETTY. MY WRECK WAS FAR FROM THAT. THE RESULTS EVEN FARTHER. FROM WHERE I WAS 6 YEARS AGO TODAY, TO WHERE I AM NOW... I AM PRETTY DAMN PROUD OF MYSELF AND OF WHAT I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED. NOT MANY CAN SAY THEY COULD HAVE MADE IT THROUGH THE HELL I HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND MOST HAVE READILY ADMITTED THEY WOULD NEVER HAVE SURVIVED (TOMMY INCLUDED.) MANY A HUSBANDS WOULD HAVE LEFT THEIR WIVES ... MINE STAYED AND DID THINGS FOR ME THAT I COULD NOT. HE FOUGHT THROUGH TEARS TO HELP ME GET PAST PAIN THAT WOULD CAUSE ME TO BEG JUST TO DIE.. HE PUSHED ME TO LEARN HOW TO GO UP STAIRS SO THAT I COULD GO HOME TO OUR HOUSE AND RECOVER WHERE I WAS IN FAMILIAR TERRITORY AND HE SAT WITH ME WHEN I WOULD BURST INTO TEARS BECAUSE I COULD NOT EVEN PUT MY OWN SOCKS ON. THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR BEING PHYSICALLY STRONG, EMOTIONALLY STRONGER AND DOWN~RIGHT STUBBORN WHEN IT COMES TO SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST!

I CAN ONLY SAY THAT HAVING A HUSBAND THAT WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ME, THE LOVE I HAD FOR JAX AND BRINKLEY AT THE TIME, AND HAVING MY ENTIRE FAMILY HELP TO SUPPORT ME AND THE BABIES ARE WHAT GOT ME TO WHERE I AM... THAT AND AS I WOULD TELL EVERYONE IN THE HOSPITAL.... "I AM JUST TO MEAN TO DIE!"

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A BEFORE... AN AFTER.... AND 31 LONG DAYS IN BETWEEN. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME. SIX YEARS AGO TODAY I DIED.....AND THEN I WAS SAVED BY SOMEONE I CAN ONLY COMPARE TO GOD...... NOT ONCE, NOT TWICE, BUT THREE TIMES I WAS SAVED. I GUESS SOMEONE HAD BIGGER AND BETTER PLANS FOR ME! IT WAS FATE THAT, INSTEAD OF A MEDIVAC, THEY CHOSE TO SCOOP AND RUN WITH ME TO SCOTTSDALE OSBORN'S TRAUMA CENTER. IT WAS FATE THAT MY DOCTOR JUST HAPPENED TO BE THE ON-CALL TRAUMA SURGEON FOR THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WHEN HE IS IN TOWN. IT WAS FATE THAT HE HAD SEEN MY EXACT INJURIES TWO TIMES BEFORE (I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SURVIVED THEM.) IT WAS FATE THAT HE HAD USED "OLD SCHOOL" TECHNIQUES RATHER THAN NEW FANGLED TECHNOLOGY TO SAVE ME. IT WAS FATE THAT MY HUSBAND WAS STANDING IN THE TRAUMA ROOM, WATCHING EVERY MOVE THAT WAS BEING MADE TO HELP ME... AND IT WAS SIMPLY DIVINE INTERVENTION THAT I EVEN SURVIVED.

I REMEMBER THE DREAM LIKE SEQUENCE OF IT ALL. MY LAST RADIO TRANSMISSION. "TOM 27, 10-4. 902 THE CHURCH." I RODE FOR AWHILE WITH A FEW OTHER MOTORS. I MADE MY TURN AND THEN IT HAPPENED. THERE WAS NO PANIC. MAYBE A LITTLE WHEN THE BEE FLEW INTO MY GLASSES. I CAN STILL HEAR MY PADS SCRAPING THE METAL AGAINST THE CURB. NOT A BIG DEAL. WE WOULD SCRAPE PADS ALL THE TIME. I CAN FEEL THE WIND BEING KNOCKED OUT OF ME AS I HIT THE BOULDER. I WAS SO VAIN ALL I COULD DO WAS ROLL OVER TO CHECK TO MAKE SURE MY TEETH WERE STILL INTACT. I HEARD CHRIS TELL ME TO LAY STILL AND THEN I FELT HIM LAY DOWN IN THE ROAD AGAINST ME TO MAKE SURE I WOULDN'T MOVE. I WAS TOLD I STARTED TURNING A HIDEOUS COLOR OF BLUEISH PURPLE AT THIS POINT. TOMMY STOOD AND WATCHED. I WAS DYING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

I HEARD HIM AS THE PARAMEDIC WAS TRYING TO START A LINE IN MY ARM. "OUR BABIES NEED YOU DEANNA!" "YOU HAVE TO BE OK." I WAS PISSED. I FOUGHT IN THE AMBULANCE SO I WOULD NOT GET THAT NEEDLE STUCK IN MY ARM. THIS WAS THE LEAST OF ANYONE'S WORRIES. I HAD JUST GONE DOWN ON MY MOTOR AND I WAS DYING AND THERE WAS NOTHING ANYONE COULD DO ABOUT IT.

I REMEMBER HEARING THE NURSE SAY, "SHE IS A MOTORCYCLE COP?" " ARE YOU SURE?" I COULD FEEL THAT I WAS NOT BREATHING ON MY OWN AND THEN I HEARD A SICKENING SOUND. I HEARD A DRILL. THE WHIZZ OF IT FREAKED ME OUT IN ADDITION TO THE FACT THAT I WAS NOT BREATHING ON MY OWN AND I THOUGHT I WAS NOT GETTING ENOUGH OXYGEN. THEN I FELT PRESSURE ON MY RIGHT KNEE. NO PAIN.. ONLY PRESSURE. WHAT THE??? THEY ARE DRILLING MY KNEE. I FORCED MYSELF TO MOVE MY FINGERS ON MY RIGHT HAND AND THEN I HEARD THE PANIC IN SOMEONES VOICE... "HER HAND IS MOVING." TOO MUCH HUSTLE AND BUSTLE. I CAN FEEL THE PANIC IN THE ROOM. I OPENED MY EYES. THE LIGHTS WERE PAINFULLY BRIGHT. THEN IT ALL HIT AT ONCE. A NURSE YELLED, "OH MY GOD, SHE IS AWAKE!" "GO GET HIM." HIM??? I WONDERED WHO HE WAS. THEN I HEARD THE CALMEST VOICE EVER. "HI DEANNA" I WAS PISSED. MY HANDS WERE STRAPPED DOWN AND I CAN NOT BREATHE ON MY OWN AND THERE IS TOO MUCH GOING ON. WHO DOES THIS MAN THINK HE IS? THEN, IT BECAME A MADE FOR TELEVISION SHOW........"DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?" "BLINK ONCE FOR YES AND TWICE FOR NO." ONE BLINK. "DEANNA, CAN YOU MOVE YOUR OTHER HAND?" ONE BLINK AS I WIGGLE MY LEFT FINGERS. "CAN YOU FEEL YOUR FEET DEANNA?" LOTS OF BLINKING. I DON'T KNOW. I STRUGGLED.. THEY ARE STRAPPED I THINK. I THINK I WIGGLED MY LEFT TOES. "DEANNA, I AM DR. WACHTEL" AND THE PANIC IS NOW GONE BECAUSE THEY PUT ME BACK UNDER. (I HAD JUST BECOME A STATISTIC. I WOKE UP DURING EMERGENCY SURGERY!)

I HEARD MY DAD AND TOMMY. I CAN FEEL TOMMY'S HAND ON MY RIGHT HAND. CRAP, I AM NOT BREATHING ON MY OWN STILL AND AGAIN, I AM STRAPPED DOWN. TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE I OPEN MY EYES AND THERE IS A PRIEST AND MY FATHER ON THE LEFT SIDE OF ME AND TOMMY ON THE RIGHT TELLING THEM I AM NOT GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS. HE WAS RIGHT. I WAS DOWN RIGHT LIVID. I THOUGHT THAT MY DAD WAS GIVING UP ON ME AND LETTING ME DIE. I THOUGHT THEY WERE GIVING ME LAST RITES. I THOUGHT THAT THEY FIGURED I WAS NOT TOUGH. I STARTED PULLING VIOLENTLY AT THE WRIST RESTRAINTS AND SHAKING MY HEAD BACK AND FORTH IN THE "NO" MOTION. (THIS IS NOT HIGHLY RECOMMENDED WHEN YOU ARE INTUBATED) I DIDN'T WANT THEM TO DO THAT. TOMMY KNEW ME BETTER THAN EVER. IN REALITY, THEY WERE PRAYING FOR ME, NOT GIVING UP ON ME. I FELL BACK TO SLEEP.

I HEARD KELLY TALKING TO ME. STILL NOT BREATHING ON MY OWN. STILL RESTRAINED. MAD MAD MAD. I STARTED SHAKING MY HEAD AND FLOPPING MY RIGHT HAND. KELLY GOT WORRIED AND THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS WRONG. THE I.C.U. NURSE HAD SEEN IT BEFORE. SHE KNEW. I WANTED TO WRITE. I WROTE QUICKLY BECAUSE I DID NOT KNOW IF I COULD STAY AWAKE. I TOLD HER OF THE BEE IN MY HELMET, I KEPT SAYING I WAS SORRY AND THAT THERE WOULD BE NO MORE MOTORCYCLES AND I FINALLY ASKED HER, "AM I GOING TO DIE?" I HAD NO IDEA WHAT EXACTLY WAS WRONG WITH ME. SHE CRIED AND CRIED.

THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS WERE SEMI-CONSCIOUS DAYS. PEOPLE CAME AND WENT AND I DON'T THINK THE REALITY OF MY INJURIES HIT UNTIL THE DOCTORS STARTED EXPLAING THAT I MIGHT NEVER WALK AGAIN. FOR ME, IT WAS NOT AN OPTION. I COULD FEEL THE PAIN, THEREFORE, IN MY OWN MIND, I WOULD WALK. IT WAS A GOOD SIGN THAT I WOULD PASS OUT FROM THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN. (SICK WAY OF DEALING WITH IT, BUT IT WORKED FOR ME AND THE LOGIC WAS GOOD IN MY MIND.) REALITY SET IN THE DAY THAT THEY RUSHED ME INTO SURGERY TO REPAIR A TEAR IN MY INTESTINES. THE PAIN WAS BEYOND INTENSE. I THOUGHT I MIGHT ACTUALLY DIE.

THINGS PROGRESSIVELY GOT WORSE FOR ME. MY PELVIC REPAIR SURGERY WAS NOT FOR A FEW MORE NIGHTS AND THE PAIN OF HAVING YOUR SPINE AND PELVIS LITERALLY RIPPED APART IS A BIT PAINFUL... TO UNDERSTATE THE OBVIOUS. TWO NIGHTS BEFORE SURGERY I WAS HAVING A ROUGH NIGHT. THIS WAS THE NIGHT THAT I STARTED HALUCINATING THAT I WAS ON A RIDE WITH WILLY WONKA, I COULD LICK THE WALLPAPER AND TOMMY WAS SLEEPING NEXT TO ME IN A BOAT SURROUNDED BY WATER. THE REALITY OF THAT DREAM WAS.. THEY HAD TO PACK MY BODY IN ICE BECAUSE I WAS SCREAMING FROM PAIN, I HAD A 103 DEGREE FEVER FROM AN EAR INFECTION, THEY GAVE ME DRUGS TO CALM ME WHICH CAUSED THE IMAGINATION TO VIVIDLY TAKE ME ON MY TRIPS, THE PLASTIC BAGS THAT THE ICE HAD BEEN PLACED IN HAD STARTED LEAKING CAUSING WATER TO POOL AROUND THE CHAIR TOMMY WAS SLEEPING IN AND I PULLED OUT MY NG TUBE THAT WAS DOWN MY NOSE AND INTO MY STOMACH FROM MY FIRST EMERGENCY SURGERY TO REPAIR A TEAR IN MY INTESTINES. SUCH FUN WE ARE NOW HAVING.

I CAN STILL SEE THE LIGHTS OF THE CORRIDORS FLIP FLIP FLIPPING PAST AS I AM BEING WHEELED TO THE SURGERY WAITING AREA. THERE ARE COPS ALONG THE WAY. THE DOCTOR IS TALKING TO TOMMY MOSTLY. I AM JUST THERE FOR THE RIDE. EVERYTHING IS EXPLAINED AND I AM GETTING READY TO GO BACK INTO THE STERILE ROOM. TOMMY KISSED ME AND MY MOM HUGGED ME AND I CRIED. I TOLD THEM HOW SORRY I WAS AND THAT I CAN'T LET OUR BABIES BE HOMELESS. WHO THINKS LIKE THIS? MY MIND WAS EVERYWHERE. MY BABIES WERE A LITTLE OVER TWO YEARS AND ONLY 6 MONTHS AND I WAS DEATHLY AFRAID I WOULD DIE AND THEY WOULD LIVE IN A BOX ON THE STREET. I SEROUSLY TOLD MY MOM THAT. SHE REASSURED ME THAT I WOULD BE FINE AND JAX AND BRINKLEY WOULD NEVER LIVE IN A BOX. OK.....I GUESS SHE WAS RIGHT.

WHEN I WOKE UP, REALLY WOKE UP, THE DOCTOR EXPLAINED THE ENTIRE SURGERY TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT HE WAS VERY GLAD THAT WE HAD ALREADY HAD OUR BABIES. "UMMM OKAY, SO I NOW HAVE PLATES AND SCREWS HOLDING MY BODY TOGETHER, LITERALLY, SO THAT I CAN, ONE DAY BE UPRIGHT, AND WHAT???? WHAT ELSE DID YOU TAKE OUT WHILE YOU WERE PUTTING ME BACK TOGETHER? MY ORTHO SURGEON EXPLAINED THAT ALL MY PARTS WERE STILL INTACT BUT BECAUSE I HAD TORN MY SI JOINT, AKA: "THE MOMMY JOINT" I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE TO CARRY ANOTHER BABY, I WOULD MOST LIKELY NEVER GET PREGNANT AGAIN ANYWAYS, BUT IN THE EVENT THAT I DID, I WOULD NEVER TAKE THE BABY TO TERM BECAUSE MY BODY COULD NOT HANDLE A PREGNANCY. WHAT??? THE SI JOINT IS THE PART OF A WOMAN'S PELVIS THAT OPENS UP TO DELIVER A BABY AND THAT EXPANDS TO CARRY A BABY. GREAT... MINE DOES NOT MOVE ANYMORE. OK. I CAN DEAL WITH THIS. WE ARE GOOD. I THINK. THEY ARE STILL NOT SURE IF I WILL WALK AGAIN... YEAH RIGHT. THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE DEALING WITH.

THE DAYS SLOWLY PASSED. I TRIED TO DIE AGAIN. TOMMY WATCHED IT ALL HAPPEN AGAIN. I PASSED A BLOOD CLOT THROUGH MY LUNGS. NOT THE MOST COMFORTABLE FEELING IN THE WORLD. RATHER SICKENING WHEN YOU HEAR A CODE BLUE GO OUT OVER THE HOSPITAL INTERCOM AND KNOW IT IS FOR YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN THE HOSPITAL AT LEAST 4 TO 6 MONTHS TO LEARN TO WALK AGAIN. THAT WAS NOT HAPPENING.

AFTER 3 LIFE SAVING SURGERIES, 16 PINTS OF BLOOD, STAPLES, STITCHES, A DIET THAT CONSISTED OF LIPIDS (THINK A GREY LIQUID OF GOUP THROUGH AN I.V) ANYTHING THAT I COULD HAVE A PERSONAL CHEF MAKE AND THEN KEEP DOWN, THERAPY THAT WAS BEYOND ANYTHING WE HAVE EVER SEEN (THINK HANNIBAL LECTOR IN HIS LITTLE CHAIR BEING STRAPPED IN WHEN HE STANDS UP)... YOU NAME IT AND I DID IT AND I CAME HOME. THERE IS A LOT TO BE SAID FOR BEING A STRONG WOMAN IN A MAN'S WORLD. I CAME HOME TO A HOUSE FILLED WITH HOPE AND A FAMILY READY TO DO WHATEVER IT TOOK TO KEEP MOMMY AROUND.

LIFE CHANGED DRASTICALLY FOR OUR WHOLE FAMILY. I HAD TO GIVE UP ONE OF THE GREATEST LOVES IN MY LIFE WHEN I RETIRED FROM THE POLICE DEPARTMENT. IT STILL BREAKS MY HEART EVERY DAY TO THINK ABOUT IT. I MISS IT TERRIBLY AND SOME DAYS I JUST WONDER WHAT IF????

THEN, I LOOK AT TODAY. PUDGIE WOULD NOT BE HERE HAD THE WRECK NOT HAPPENED. I WAS FULL FORCE BACK INTO MY CAREER WHEN GOD PUT THE BRAKES ON OUR FAMILY. TOMMY AND I WERE SERIOUSLY LIVING LIFE AT FULL SPEED. AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED... I WAS DONE WITH BABIES... DIDN'T CARE WHAT HE THOUGHT. WE WERE WORKING A LOT... LIKE 70 HOUR WORK WEEKS EACH AND JUST FLYING THROUGH LIFE. IT WAS TIME TO SLOW DOWN. IT WAS NOT THE WAY I WOULD HAVE CHOSEN.....

TOMMY AND I HAVE SURVIVED WELL. I WISH I COULD SAY THAT THERE HAVE BEEN DAYS WITHOUT PAIN. THERE ARE NOT. THERE NEVER WILL BE. I CAN'T SAY THAT THERE AREN'T DAYS THAT I JUST WISH FOR ONE MORE DAY ON THAT MOTOR. ONE MORE DAY AS A COP. ONE MORE DAY TO MAKE THAT TRAFFIC STOP OR TO BE ONE OF THE "GUYS" ON THE ROAD! I DO MISS IT. BUT DANG, MY KIDS ARE LUCKY TO HAVE A MOMMY THAT: WAKES THEM UP EVERYDAY FOR SCHOOL, MAKES THEM BREAKFAST, WALKS THEM TO SCHOOL, PICKS THEM UP FROM SCHOOL AND HAS SNACKS WAITING FOR THEM, SITS DOWN AND HELPS WITH HOMEWORK, SCHOOL PROJECTS, PLAYDATES AND JUST ANYTHING KIDS NEED. THEY WOULD BEG TO DIFFER ON THE PART ABOUT MOMMY BEING AROUND SO MUCH TO SPANK AND YELL TOO... HEY THERE HAS TO BE A LITTLE GIVE AND TAKE RIGHT? IT WOULD NOT BE LIKE THAT IF I WAS STILL ON THE ROAD WITH TOMMY. I KNOW THAT.

I AM LUCKY. I AM ALIVE AND I HAVE A HEALTHY FAMILY. THREE KIDS THAT ARE WONDERFUL, DIFFICULT, BEAUTIFUL, MOUTHY, SILLY, LOVING, GROSS SOMETIMES, GOOFY, CUTE, MEAN, CRAZY ... JUST WONDERFUL KIDS....AND ONE IS A TRUE MIRACLE. I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT IS GREAT. HE DRIVES ME NUTS SOMETIMES, AS ALL HUSBANDS DO. BUT HE IS MINE AND I PLAN ON KEEPING HIM! WHEN I SAY THAT I AM LUCKY.. MOST OF YOU HAVE NO IDEA JUST HOW TRUE IT IS. MY LAST RIDE AS TOM 27 WAS TO ESCORT SGT. TOM HONTZ AND HIS FAMILY THROUGH A FUNERAL PROCESSION. TOM WAS THE FIRST AND ONLY SCOTTSDALE POLICE OFFICER TO BE KILLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY. I CAME HOME 31 DAYS AFTER TOM'S FUNERAL. I CAME HOME WITH BROKEN BONES, BRUISES, SCARS, PINS AND PLATES HOLDING MY BODY TOGETHER, UNABLE TO WALK ON MY OWN IN EXCRUCIATING PAIN, WHICH WILL MOST LIKELY LAST THE REST OF MY LIFE. I CAME HOME TO TWO BABIES THAT COULD NOT UNDERSTAND WHY MOMMY WENT TO WORK ONE DAY BUT DIDN'T COME BACK FOR A LONG TIME AND WHEN SHE DID, SHE DIDN'T LAY ON THE FLOOR AND PLAY OR RUN WITH THEM FOR A VERY LONG TIME. FOR ALL THE BAD THAT HAPPENED TO ME 6 YEARS AGO... I CAN SAY I AM LUCKY. I CAME HOME. ONE DID NOT.