I hate the word, "routine." It runs pretty close to the word, "Obedient," in my book of crappy words. When used in a sentence discussing kids and what they should be doing, I literally want to barf when adults say their kids need to learn obedience. . I can't fathom using the words obedience when teaching my kids to listen. DOGS go to obedience school. Kids choose not to listen. It is not a matter of whether or not they are obedient. Ick, that just grates me and I have no idea where that even just came from.
Anyway... what a week.
It wasn't as bad as it could get, but in my world, I deal with the, "abnormal," rather than, "normal," stay-at-home-mom shenanigans, so most would say, this pretty much sucked. That is ok though. Learned tons.
Lost to re-cap~
My first priority is to convince one husband to lay low at work for awhile. I was stunned to watch the news this morning to find out about this. I worked patrol with his ex-wife. She and I were the only girls on the squad and hung out a lot. I remember when she was pregnant with their first daughter and how she called me all the time after my wreck. I met Eric a few times at work. Something stung me hard about this one losing his life. I can't shake a feeling and it is bugging me so much so I can't even sit still. I feel for his little girls. They are at a hard enough age.
It makes me cringe. I think about my kids and what would happen if patrol cars showed up to my house in the middle of the night. Every night I play this out in my head. I guess I have a morbid sort of routine going on. No one in this house except me lives with this fear. I have often joked about it with neighbors. They would know something horrible has happened if they wake up and there are marked patrol cars in front of my house. That is the way we deal with most of the stressful things in our house. Laughter is our fave form of meds here. Somehow, I don't think Tommy understands that this fear is alive and well every day that he, "races, beeps, and blows us kisses," with his routine good~bye. I have learned to live with it. Today was a, "JOLT," reminder. There are no such things as, "routine traffic stops."
Not many understand these morbid jokes. I get some very, "that is so distasteful," looks from those people. I have often tried to explain that life like this is so different. We don't have the luxury of a Sabbath Sunday. (Yep, I know something about religion, being raised with the Catholic guilt and all!!!!) In reality, no one who has ever been a cop has had this luxury. Everybody is a rookie at the beginning and everybody has worked a Sunday!!! Anyway, everyday that Tommy high tails it away from Casa de CrazyTown, I know it could be the last time I talk to him. The possibility is really slim but the chance is still there and I tuck it away. There are so few that understand this form of relationship. Joe Blow driving to his superstore job to load and unload trucks probably worries about getting squished by falling toilet paper, or Demon Dave's job of running numbers at the bank most likely will not get him too hurt... except for the blister from the calculator. I am kidding. Seriously though, I run all kinds of scenarios through my head daily when he is on shift. On the rare occasion that he is working emergency traffic and can't respond to my text messages in the morning, my kids can instantly feel the stress that surrounds me. Jax has a knack for seeing it in my eyes and knows.... I always get tighter hugs on these mornings. It is how we live. It works for us. I can't say if I were still on the street that things would work so smoothly. Thankfully I am here day in and day out to make sure that things are smooth and I always remind the man that his ultimate goal at work is to, "come home, everyday!" Thank you to the boys and girl on his squad that keep him safe every night and day.
Onto the rest of the rest~
I had a doctors appointment yesterday. I always feel so much better when I see this doctor. He is a healer. A spiritual healer. He travels the world and has a healing room, which I still have not worked up the guts to go to... baby steps for this tough chick.... shhhhhh! Anyway... I was feeling so much better when we talked of doing away with one of my, "life-sustaining meds." Or maybe it was my kids' life-sustaining meds. At any rate, we are changing things and I am looking up about it. The fact that when all is said and done, being off it will induce 10 to 20 to 30 pounds of weight loss has me jumping for my new jeans!!!! (Dang it, I should have done the biggest loser and won all the money~ again, kidding) At any rate, I am so excited and looking at life with the half full attitude more and more....that, I did, what most will sit here with their mouths agape at, when I write it.....
I went with my buddy and her friends to a Mormon women's group last night. I can not remember what the Mormon church calls it for the life of me, but it is the, "Women's Relief Society Night." (Ok, I think that is what it is, gimme a little room here, I went!!!) I have been asked to attend so many times and have never gone for one reason or another but tonight things just fell into place and I wanted to go. The subject was, "Putting the Spark back in your Marriage." I knew they would not be discussing anything sexual and I promised not to open my mouth on the subject, at all! So.... since no one I know ever talks about sex like I do, I was beyond curious as to what the lectures would even consist of. I did not expect anything at all. I say that only because if I set the bar too high I would have been disappointed, so with no expectations I figured I would be, "amused," at worst. And that would have been good. Instead of being amused, I found myself choking back tears during Lisa's story. The talk she gave was amazing and last night was the first time I had ever met her. A true show of faith and love and hope and fear and all out happiness was ever present in her and I loved watching how vulnerable she was willing to be in front of a room full of women. I don't do vulnerable with other women so seeing this had me sort of, "awe struck." Maybe I need to work on a softer side towards other women. I hear I am scary all the time but I just don't see it .... What ever the case..... Amazing story!!!!!
I am so glad Beth called me and told me I was going with her (after her mom told her she was going) last night. This is the reason her and I get along so well. Not many can get away with telling me I am going to do something like that, but her, well, I just click with you lady and I love that you included me last night! I needed that.
So all was good after that... except I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow... and I hogged the entire bed... and Tommy had to get up in the middle of the night and decided to start cleaning up all the files on the computers. He was so frustrated with me. It started at 2 a.m. He was still going strong at noon. That was when the real frustration hit. He made the mistake of telling me to clean up my side of the computer. He wanted to condense all 1900+ photos I had downloaded throughout 2009. I was supposed to go through the photos, delete fuzzy ones and duplicates and then he would teach me the move to the "J" drive. I thought I would speed things up.... So being the computer illiterate I am, I accidentally deleted all of them. Yep, I am serious and yep, I am devastated and yep, I am considering drinking heavily until I get over this screw up of the week.
Between Facebook, missing photos of one of the most amazing years of our life, freakish dreams induced by the Facebook fiasco, sooo many things chewed up by Dozer the Demon Dog, and nights with no sleep, I am so ready to kiss this week good-bye. So this week will be over as of this blog... even though it is only Friday!
Tonight I am ready start my week over. The weekend is here and I am renting a rug cleaner. That always makes everything so much more perfect for me. The simple things ROCK!
I have big, big plans.
We have special deliveries coming next week........ ahhhh and I have tons of redecorating to do tomorrow.
Friday, January 29, 2010
~Routine Reality Smack....
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
New~
Ahhh...... today is a new day. And after yesterday, I was bound and determined it was going to be one hell of a great day. No matter what I had to do to make it so! I knew it the minute I was up and around, my day was going to be phenomenal. I've had, "the feeling," since midnight, when I woke up on the couch, with the dog on my legs. My Dad gets these feelings too. He says it is an itch.
The morning got better when Tommy came home. It is always better when he comes home.... and we are all alone. The feeling was even stronger by 0900 hours. I didn't mention it to him, but he has seen me get these feelings before.
We were in Vegas.
We won thousands.
If I didn't have kids, I would have been on a plane to Vegas within the hour. I used to do that, back in the day. Hop a plane to Vegas, stay the weekend, play, win, shop, play.... win even more, come home with income for a month.... or five and clothes you see people on red carpets wearing. It was a fun life, for a bit. I couldn't hit the airport today. Ok, let's be honest, I have to plan a trip like that, months in advance now-a-days, so, of course, I can't just go and be as irresponsible as I daydream about being, some afternoons.
Ahhh, let's face it, daydreaming was still not going to render my unscratched itch calmed.....
So, I hit the grocery store, like any normal Mom would, right?
Not quite as fun for a girl like me, but I was without crumb-snatchers and in my own little,"happy place." The grocery store, certainly not a place to throw dice, but they had lottery tickets, just the same.
The itch was unnerving now.
I have a knack for knowing when luck is on my side. Playing lottery numbers didn't seem like something that would quell this feeling. No Powerball Lottery or Pick was gonna fix me. I don't normally do scratchers but I was almost being dragged to them.
Dang, where is a private jet when you need one?
I don't even know anything about scratcher tickets. I don't think I haver ever bought one, ever. Something about my $20.00 bill made me choose a certain ticket. I know, I would think I am crazy too, if I didn't always know what was going to happen. "You gotta run with the feeling when you get it," my Daddy always told me. My Daddy also will take the blame or the credit for teaching me all about gambling, "feelings" ..... depending on how my, "feelings," turn out!
Suffice to say, my feelings have never, ever, in my entire life, been, "off," when it comes to gambling. I have never lost, when all was said and done. EVER! Today was no different. I won $320.00! I couldn't wait to get to grocery shopping, now that it wasn't going to cost me a dime!" And let me tell you, I had serious shopping to do today!!!!
The feeling is still there, and actually, it is even stronger than this morning. Unfortunately I had things I needed to put into the freezer, OR, I just might have called in sick to Mommy hood, for the rest of the day, and hit the Southwest Airlines counter, at Sky Harbor!
HAPPY WEDNESDAY TO ME!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
FRUSTRATED~
Today has been one of those days. Nothing has been wrong, yet, nothing was going right. Maybe I just woke up in the wrong bed, at the wrong time, with the wrong warm body, half on top of me. Just a thought. Damn DOG!
Lots to do, not enough time and one little person who did not want to cooperate no matter how much I bribed him today. I made it through the Wal Mart experience with a little child, on foot, in record time, but was still agitated. I wish my parents lived closer and actually wanted to keep the grand kids for play dates and sleep overs.... so I could function. AAAhhhhh, another post for some other time.
When all was said and done, bags unloaded, sans help from the littlest agitator of the family today, I sat down on one of our conversation chairs in a, "humph." The chair proceeded to whistle at me, squeal with delight, vibrate, "zooooom," "zing," and burp.
I burst into tears.
I tried with every ounce of what was left in my, "glass is half full attitude and way of life", to just laugh. It didn't work today. I was just fried. The candle was burned at both ends and the wax had just dripped its last drop in the middle and my flame was instantly extinguished, with the tears of, "who the hell knows where any of this is coming from!!!"
Mental shutdown!
I lifted the pillow to find 6 Zhu Zhu pets, "hidden," from little Pudgie hands, by the big sister who has a really hard time letting Pudgie share toys she knows he will ultimately just break.
Why did we buy a 4 bedroom house?
At this moment... it is about 3500 square feet of wasted space.
When did my kids decide hiding toys behind pillows is the same as putting them away?
I think I am a misunderstood Mom today.
I am definitely on the, "BAD WIFE," list tonight. I broke the ultimate promise in our marriage and I just suck and regret that in a way that words can not even explain.
I read a friends facebook post the other day. It was the epitome of the, "super truth," in my mind.
"CLEANING YOUR HOUSE WHEN YOU STILL HAVE LITTLE KIDS IS LIKE SHOVELING YOUR WALK WAY WHEN IT IS STILL SNOWING."
Ain't that the truth? Or not. Kelly's and Ruth's houses are magnificently spotless. You would never know that there are kids living in their houses when you walk through the front door. I would eat off their floors. Funny thing is, I absolutely love cleaning. You would never guess that. I have always loved cleaning. I have a total habit of putting in the movie Bad Boys II and getting into the groove of flying through the motions of getting the house presentable. I love to run the Dyson over and over and over the carpet. Carpet lines get me all excited. Dusting is awesome. Scrubbing the tile is awesome. I love the smell of a clean house. Not antiseptic clean, but deliciously fresh and clean scents. For whatever reason, I have not been motivated to do this lately. I need to get my rear-end out of this insane funk I am in.
Friday night was my, "I am so done with this family and the laziness and one nameless little girls mouth that I started zinging shoes when someone talked back, refused to clean something up because it was not theirs, or because I got a nasty, "look." If I were food, I would be completely well done. Probably, a burnt to a crisp charcoal briquette, to be honest.
I explained that I would not tolerate their lack of respect for me or their father any longer. They were completely confused about the context of the word,"respect," when I used it with the word chores! I went into detail and very loudly and explained how: refusing to do their chores, having to be asked 40 times to do the same daily chore they have been assigned for 3 months, Mom having to finish their chores for them, having to wait for, "just a minute," and the chores never actually getting done, watching all three kiddos walk past the same piece of garbage or little piece of paper on the floor.... for a week, without picking it up and throwing it away because let's face it... they never saw it! I am sure all of these things are old hat for everyone. The excuses stay the same and the issues never change. I think it is a childhood ritual and then a rite of passage when they finally, "GET IT!"
This has made me start hitting the crossfitting and other forms of working out again. I need it. I am getting agitated way too easily, and, as of late it could turn nasty on the wrong person if I don't get up energy transferred into some form of good exercise.
Thankfully I am starting the "Best I Can Be" challenge on February 1st. It is not all about diet and losing weight. It is about being a better ME. Eating better, listening to myself, doing things for Me that are good for me and living better.
I am sure this is gonna get me going in the right direction!!
Monday, January 11, 2010
MISSING............
Look Daddy, No.................
The first time was the charm for this little guy! I have no idea why I decided to ask if he wanted the training wheels off today, but he jumped at the chance to be like Jaxi and Gokie. (It could have been the fact that when he races, like a mad man, down the street, he is on two wheels and does not even know it.)
Justice is the first one that I actually taught to ride without the training wheels... but I really can not take any credit. I took the trainers off and held the seat for one second and off he went. He never fell and he didn't stop. I was amazed. It took a few times to get the turning down but I can honestly say that I didn't have to "teach" him. I think he picked it all up just watching his big brother and sister. Now he can stop saying how it is time for him to be big like Brinkley and Jaxi. He is right there and that makes me sad!!!!!!!!!!! That, and now I am scared because he is wanting to move onto the motorized Razor scooters. I made the mistake of taking him on a few rides with me and now he loves them too. I am thinking this one is beyond the daredevil in the family!!!
Whatever the case..... he likes riding his bike like the big kids now!!!! If only he loved writing his alphabet and numbers as much!!!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Crazies.....
I just finished reading two books in as many days. My favorite character of all time seems to mirror my life some of the time. I relate well with the craziness of the, "Stephanie Plum, By The Numbers," books. She attracts all kinds of crazy sitiuations.
Me? Well, I on the other hand, I just attract "the crazies." Seriously.
I think it is a gift.
Maybe an art.
Tommy questions whether or not it is just me that is crazy and I am the one that finds them to talk with. Maybe because I will talk to:
Anyone.
Anywhere.
Anytime.
Usually.... about.....
Anything!
I joke around and say it is because I have too little adult interraction on a daily basis. Tommy says it is because I am exactly like my Dad. He could talk paint off a wall....... Huh! Either way... I still find all the crazy people and usually, or as of late, it seems that they congregate right in front of my own house.
I actually found a buddy through, "a crazy." Or maybe I attracted that crazy and fate made me search my new buddy out because of a rumor they were related. I don't know. But crazy called the animal control on us a little over a year ago, after I had so nicely told him to, " F - off" after riding his bicycle in my yard, and getting my Tigger dog upset. From that day on, my kids referred to him as, "tatted out dude," because he had sleeves of tats on his arms. (Gee, wonder where they learn these so very politically incorrect terms?) At any rate, first crazy tatted out guy was really nothing for me to concern myself over. (Except I was ticked off)
Seriously.... Some people attract attention in ways that I am dumbfounded by. Lady Gaga has her outfits to get attract people to her (if that is what you want to call them), Pink has her way awesome PINK spikey hair to attract people to her....... Me, on the other hand, I am not so lucky to have a reason for my attraction of people. For an unknown reason, I am absolutely sure, after this week. that I simply am just attractive to, "the craziest of people."
(Ok, that, and now I am also absolutely positive that: some people need a license to bear the brats they have so easily created, and then, found it even easier to intentionally choose not to supervise..... more to come on that)
At any rate....... I am a crazy person magnet!
So I come to this week. Starting the week off great was a priority for me. It was Jaxi's birthday on Monday and I was not even going to be home all day to celebrate with him. I just wanted him to have a great last day of break by playing with all his friends.
You see.... I had to make it to a Dr. appointment by 1:40 (way, way, way, far from our house) or I was going to hit the 5 day mark without more than 2.5 hours of straight sleep at night. I was on day 5 of this and at my proverbial "wits end." With my previous post about being a better Mom, I have had to keep myself in check and relax. This is much easier said than done when my pain levels are through the roof and meds are not working. At any rate..... .....onto the crazies......
After being gone 90% of the day, I came home to my birthday boy and Binky playing with all their toys outside with all of the neighbor kids. I love that I can trust them outside when I am busy. They are just good munchies. They follow the rules and tell me when something has gone, oh, let's use the word, "ASKEW,' when I am not there to see it.
Hence, the story that unfolded when I pulled into the driveway with Justice, at 3:30. The first thing out of Jax's mouth is,
"Mom, they are shooting us with a BB gun."
"A what?,"
was all I could get out. All at once, 8 kids start telling me how one of the boys brought over his real BB gun and the other child is shooting all the kids, at random, with this gun. Of all the kids on this street, this child chooses mine to shoot with a BB gun? SERIOUSLY... could this child be more "in trouble?" I would call it dumb luck that he randomly shot MY kid. Some might call it, "the shit hitting the fan." At any rate..... I made the first child escort me to his house, since in all the times he has chosen to play on our street, no one has had any idea where he lives, who his parents are, or even what the heck his name is.
Needless to say, I was over the edge and flippen TICKED off. You see, the kids go to other moms when they are hungry (that's right... Jax's mom doesn't bake the cookies), other moms when they are hurt (I tell 'em if they ain't bleeding they are fine), but me, I get the stuff that borders on law breaking and dangerous. Hence my response when, brilliant-numero-uno-child-in-trouble tells me, "it's not like I hurt him!" I immediately snapped, "You are just lucky that you did not hurt my child because I could break your flippen neck right now for saying that to me." (Darn it, my tone was ....ummmm.... that of anger and I pretty much yelled, but, I didn't technically break my cop-out of using a lower voice for the new year, since it wasn't my kid I was now on the verge of strangling.)
Thankfully, child #1 takes me to his house and I talked with his, "more than receptive," mom. She was very nice. Although she made some statements that I would put into the, "Oh heck no you did not just say that and make the whole stupid woman label fit you," she was very understanding about how upset I was and promised that it would not happen again. (Now, I think most would agree that know me.....if it were my kids that were out randomly shooting kids that did not have on the proper protection for BB guns, they would not be able to sit down for a month, but that is just me.....And I still have no idea what kind of BB gun this was because the next, "rocket scientist," Mom couldn't tell me if it was an air soft gun, one that requires the CO2 cartridges or even give me the name of the gun)
When I got back to my house, boy #2 had already hidden the gun so I demanded he go home and bring his Mom back so I could talk to her. I honestly did not even think he would tell his mom about the incident so I was utterly speechless when she driving up my street, on the wrong side of the road, none the less.. and squishes her way out of her car with an over exaggerated greeting. Oh man... let me tell you..... if you did need a license to bear babies, she would be permanently revoked.
Mom jumps outta her Mercedes that is about 5 sizes too small for her frame, shakes my hand with a squeeze that she might have thought would either impress me or scare me and proceeds to tell me that it is "only" a BB gun and you can't put "real" bullets in it, as long as everyone has eye protection on (which no one but the BB gun shooters had) and a vest on (again, none of the kids had this either,) there is no problem...blah blah blah. I seriously had to just stop listening to her and just watch her lips move. A woman like this is the reason why I do not have a lot of female friends...... I hate IGNORANT women who talk out their ass. It is hard enough for women to prove themselves in this world, without this kind of "help," from someone, like her.
I had to agree to disagree with her reasoning and just end the conversation with, "your child is no longer welcome to play on our street anymore." Off she drove. In a huff. Jax came up to me and whispered, "Wow, I thought you were gonna have to take her down or something. It looked like she wanted to fight!"
Not 5 minutes later, along comes parent number 3. I could feel all the kids staring and there was a sudden sucking in of all the surrounding air. They were all holding their breaths as Daddy to the first little guy, approaches me. He is, of course, tattooed up and down both arms and walking like he has a score to settle. All I could think was..."GREAAAAAT here we go!!!!!!!!!!!" I am pretty sure the kids were now taking bets on something bad happening with this one!!! Sometimes first impressions are dead on.
Dad proceeds to introduce himself, shakes my hand like a normal human being and then sternly tells me how he does not appreciate me talking to his son about real guns. HMMMMM.......... I literally crossed my arms right there and bit my tongue....... intentionally.......Are you freaking kidding me? His little boy obviously lied about what was said and to whom, but that was neither here nor there because Daddy tells me that he has guns and knows all about them and the laws. I had no doubt he knew the laws. I am sure at some point he had lived in a jail and had become farmiliar with the feel of handcuffs. I'm just sayin'.........
Biting my tongue, biting my tongue, smiling, nodding, smiling... ok I had had enough of his "knowledge."
I actually tried to calmly explain to, "Mr. gun expert Dad," that little "it is only a BB gun, gun" can sometimes look like a real semi-automatic rifle and people have been shot for holding, "less real," looking guns. Again, it was like talking to a rocket scientist about sex. Complete blank expression and no clue where the rocket was supposed to end up!
I was dumbfounded at all the parents and their simple disregard for any of the safety of "the kids" that, "their kids," could have hurt. Sadly, I was not that surprised once I found out that one of the boys comes from a broken home and the other is rarely supervised when he is outside playing. That, and when he does come to our street, there is no one supervisiing him.
Hmm. Maybe I am the one with the parenting problem.
After about 15 minutes of conversation, Dad and I shook hands again and agreed that his little boy would have to wait a month to come play with my kids. Although, I really can not speak for the families on our street, I did it anyway and it appears that most people won't argue with my decision.
I never did find out exactly what kind of BB gun it was. All rocket-scientist mom would blurt out so intelligently was, "it just looks real but you put BB's in it, not real bullets." NICE!
Now, a few days after the fact, I started thinking that maybe it is just me and I need to let go of my kids a little more. I was the only parent that was upset .... Although, I was the only parent they told.
Friday, the 8th... 4 days after the fact.... this happened.......................... Guess what kind of "gun" he had! I guess I am not being as stupid or over protective as I thought.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
SEEING...
One of my favorite friends on the block was involved in a fatal car accident today. I thank God that her family is only really bumped and bruised and banged up, but for the most part, they are all fine. Jax almost burst into tears when I told him what happened. He is good friends with their little guys, but their daughter owns his heart. He absolutely loves that little girl. He loves to pick her up and hug her, high five her, do knuckles with her, share treats with her, tickle her, play toys with her....but his favorite trick is when she runs to him, says, "BOING," and he boings her up in the air. He really loves her!
I am so sad that they had to be involved in this accident and see someone lose their life today. I know it seems strange to even be writing about this, but I always look at her as so innocent and I would never wish this kind of accident scene on anyone, let alone her and her family. I hate that anyone has to see things like this. Tommy and I eat dinner and talk about these scenes, or go over all the fine details of things like this over breakfast, like it is a normal everyday thing that we are not even phased by, but normal everyday people should not have to see this horrible stuff!
Kelly, I almost cried when we were hugging in your kitchen today. I am so thankful you and your family are ok. Whatever you need..... my entire family is here for you woman! Anything at all...day or night.... And don't forget, dinner is coming at about 5:30 tomorrow. Steaks, rolls and salad!! We love you guys! Get some rest!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Eve
This year we were lucky, again. Tommy's mid year transfer to the DUI squad pretty much ensured that he would be off for the Christmas holiday as long as there were no call outs. There were none.....and we got to spend Christmas eve with his Dad and Step mom with no worries. The kids had a blast. In the end, they were completely exhausted from spending three days before Christmas, away from home. I needed a break from them and had to finish my last minute shopping, wrapping and organizing, so it was no surprise to me that they were absolutely ready for bed by 8pm on Christmas Eve. Which was ompletely fine by Mom!!!
Besides.... Santa had his (or her) work cut out for him..........
Monday, January 4, 2010
THE PERFECT "10"
I may be his Mom, but by all accounts, and to anyone who knows my first baby boy, he is, simply, the PERFECT child. God gave me the most wonderful gift when he created my Jax.
He is the perfect blend of Tommy and I, with more Tommy in his nature and nurture, spirit and kindness, and me, in his looks. He is surely built like my Daddy. He takes his ambition for his future from both Tommy and I (wanting to become a cop after being a marine, like Grampie Frank.) He has amazing scholastic skills, patience with little ones (he loves his brother even when he is being his worst little Pudgie self), he plays hard and shares like there is no tomorrow.
Jaxi is my most emotional child. He wears his heart on his sleeve. I love this trait, even though he is going to get hurt when he is older. He is hard-pressed to talk about things that really bother him. A trait he surely inherited from me. Even with that trait, he is the one that isn't afraid to cry when he is hurt and isn't afraid to admit when it is a matter of the heart. (I just don't know exactly what it is that is hurting his tender little heart at these times.)
Somehow I don't know how my baby is already 10. Ten, going on 23. My little man is almost as big as me now. While celebrating his birthday at Oregano's, I just stopped and looked at him. He could feel me staring and turned and asked me what was wrong. Not a single thing. All I could think was:
Wow:
~You are going to have big, broad shoulders to carry the weight of the world on~
~You are beyond handsome at such a young age~
~You are full of life and love~
~You have surpassed that little boy stage that some hold onto~
~You are turning into a young man before my eyes ~
~I need to hold tight to your youth~
~You are starting to teach me things as we grow older~
~You quietly remind me that even though you are, "BIG," you are still only 10~
~You are trustworthy
~You are going to make a huge mark on the world some day~
~Your smile simply lights up a room and our family~
~You are, and always will be, MY FIRST BABY!!!! (even if your feet are bigger than mine now!)
As you grow older I want so much for you. It is almost impossible for me to put into word the dreams I have for you. I want you to watch sunsets in far away lands, hold hands with the girl you love, climb mountains in nature and in the rat race of life, to hold fast to your family, trust in your own heart, to dance with beautiful women, feel the rush of love, set goals and slowly accomplish them, to be humble, to conquer your fears, live with no regrets, never be afraid of chasing a dream, to stand up for your own beliefs and to call people on theirs. I want you to help those in need and never forget that it is ok to ask for help, in return. I want you to respect those you love and those you don't. I want you to live on your own, make mistakes, learn the value of money, family and friends. Most importantly, for you, I want you to be happy with who you are and where you come from.
Don't ever forget~
I love you: like there is no tomorrow, actually, the most.... more than cinnamon toast!
Once again, here is the letter from Erma Bombeck. It is the perfect words for my perfect boy!
Happy Birthday month to you Jaxi!
I do love you best.......
To the first born......
I've always loved you best because you were our first miracle. You were the genesis of a marriage, the fulfillment of young love, the promise of our infinity.
You sustained us through the hamburger years. The first apartment furnished in Early Poverty... our first mode of transportation, the 7-inch TV set we paid on for 36 months.
You wore new everything, had unused grandparents and more clothes than a Barbie doll. You were the "original model" for unsure parents trying to work the bugs out. You got the strained lamb, open pins and three-hour naps.
You were the beginning.
To the middle child...
I've always loved you the best because you drew the dumb spot in the family and it made you stronger for it.
You cried less, had more patience, wore faded clothes and never in your life did anything "first," but it only made you more special. You are the one we relaxed with and realized a dog could kiss you and you wouldn't get sick. You could cross the street by yourself long before you were old enough to get married, and the world wouldn't come to an end if you went to bed with dirty feet.
You were the continuance.
To the baby...
I've always loved you the best because endings generally are sad and you are such a joy. You readily accepted milk stained bibs. The lower bunk. The cracked baseball bat. The baby book, barren but for a recipe for graham pie crust that someone jammed between the pages.
You are the one we held onto so tightly. For, you see, you are the link with the past that gives a reason to tommorow. You darken our hair, quicken our steps, square our shoulders, restore our vision, and give us humor that security and maturity can't give us.
When your hairline takes on the shape of Lake Erie and your children tower over you, you will still be "the baby."
You were the culmination.
~Erma Bombeck
Friday, January 1, 2010
A GOOD GOODBYE 2009...
Bidding 2009 I have to say, it has been the best year for us, as of yet.
We laughed harder than ever, cried more than ever, lost loved ones (our dear Tigger), found new friends via blogging (Beth), traveled to many far away places. I have learned the true value of; our marriage, our family, our friends, the squad that is our second family that keeps Tommy safe every night, allowing him to come home every morning. The uneasiness of opening up to Lt. Anderson; asking for his advice, and then actually taking it (I love you for all you have done for me). The joy of new toys, the pain of workouts, the control of anger, the Peace in prayer, the ease of scholastics, the fun in outdoor play, and the importance of forgiveness.
I have loved 2009 and I have hated 2009. I suppose most have a love hate relationship with things like I do. I only have one reason to hate 2009, physical pain. It has been a doozy for me. I never let on about the pain, but dang, it kinda sucked!
At any rate, we are ushering in this wonderful new year with anxious anticipation for it to be better than ever and I have made the decision to make it a mind over matter with the body I possess.
I don't do resolutions, as I have posted about this before here! I truly do believe in bettering yourself as the days go by. I believe in giving 110% of what you have. Give to your marriage, your kids, your family, your friends, in work, in Life, EVERYTHING.
So this year I made a pact with myself. Calling it a pact is probably a cop-out. Maybe it is a resolution. That is neither here nor there. It is mine and only mine to either accomplish or fail at. Putting it here makes me more accountable. I am accountable to myself mostly. I am not one that really cares, or, I will rephrase that, one that cares at all, what people think of me. This makes me remember that people are watching. Especially Tommy. It sucks for me to let him down. I think I did that enough this past year to last a lifetime (that alone could fill a book I think). And so, with that............
I am going to be a better MOM.
I truly believe I suck as a mom. I am not the mom who runs to my kids when they fall. If there is no blood I tell them to get up and move forward. I am not a mom who worries every single second and I yell way too darn much. Our littlest Jensen gets way too many (but well-deserved) smacks and spankings and our littlest female Jensen has a mouth on her that competes with mine (and this is not something I am proud of).
It is going to be slow-going for me. I don't cook like most moms. I need to better myself in this area. Let's be honest in this one, I hate cooking. I hate most things in the "domestication" area. I have to get better here and stop comparing myself to the moms who find these things to be so rewarding. Realizing I am ME, and my kids are thriving in their own home...... and not worrying about what anyone else does in their kitchen or anywhere else is one big goal for me!
Ahhhh onto the yelling. It is a huge goal for me to even post about. I yell. I yell a lot! My kids are going to have to help in this goal of mine. They have super-selective hearing. I figure that if I stop yelling so much and start using the little tricks I learned over the years as a cop.... the house will run a lot smoother. Lower the voice and lower the tension. Either that, or, speak softly and carry the big stick! Then that just results in the spankings again, putting me at square one......... You can see my dilemma.
I figure that once I am back in the saddle with the workouts, it will stop the little annoyances that tick me off and take me into screaming, psycho Mom mode. It will also help the whole pain thing that puts me through the roof and turns me into that monster Mom that my kids do not deserve.
Yep, I am gonna be a better Mom. I don't really know what that entails. It will surely mean keeping the house cleaner and de-cluttered, making healthier meals, laughing with my family more, waking up earlier for my own time rather than taking my own time when my kids need me most, being a better wife to Tommy, giving respect in order to receive it back, yelling less, loving more; sticking to punishments and understanding them better. Remembering what it was like to be little and teaching them how to grow. Taking away privileges when needed and trusting in their decisions to learn on their own. Making mistakes and moving on and finally, just being the best, "Me," I can be, for them!
I also have to take the time to remember what my own Mom wrote to me the day Pudgie had his surgery, so very long ago.
It is the greatest gift my own mom has ever given me and I re-post it here so that I can remember, that, and to get in a good cry in this year!
PLUS I AM HOPING THAT I CAN PUT EVERY WORD OF WISDOM TO USE OVER 2010!
I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AS MUCH AS I DID....AS I CRIED!
LANGUAGE - (MY WORST SUBJECT, RIGHT MOM?)
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