Sunrise

6 YEARS
9 MONTHS
14 DAYS

(BUT WHO'S COUNTING?)

It is finally over. Good, Bad, or Indifferent.. It is done. I can't change what happened. I can't fix any of the lingering damage. Doctors can not fix the lingering damage. I can choose to be bitter or I can move on. I have not been able to move on simply because it has been hanging over my head for all this time. Lurking in the back of my mind. Keeping me awake at night and stealing some of my happiness. It has made me a screaming lunatic some days and others, simply, a sad woman. I can choose to let it consume me and eat away at my soul or I can let it go. It was not my choice to have it last this long. I have to deal with it for the rest of my life as it is. To have it gripping me until someone else decides how damaged I really am has had me at my wits end forever. Stealing precious happy moments from my family.. from me. Some days it felt like my sanity was at stake.

Having to take time to verbally re-live every detail was excruciating. Head to toe damage. The lasting effects. The trauma aftermath. The physical pain and the emotional wreck I have been. The why's and what's and how's. The poking and prodding and looking and oogling. It has been enough to put even someone like me into place where darkness could eventually win out. Where solitary seems perfect and simple.

For now, it is done. Forever, really, it is done. Today I had to re-live every aspect of my motorcycle accident. I can always find the good in things... today, that was hard.

To my family... I am so sorry for the crazy person I have been the past 13 days since we found out about this trial. I have been consumed with sickness at just the thought of having to really talk about it, to complete strangers non-the-less. It is so much easier to laugh it off in everyday conversation..... but to put it out there so graphically... it was not pleasant, nor was it easy for me! It is easy to realize after the fact that I judge people too quickly. Outwardly especially. I don't know what people go through or what really goes on behind closed doors. I do know that my attorney told me that I don't look like a woman with over 42,000 pages of trauma medical history, at first glance. It made me smile... a compliment? POSSIBLY.. but all I could think was, "how about I take my clothes off for you?"

And then I wondered, what would you like someone, like me, to really look like? Especially someone who refuses to damage their family or punish those they love because of something that happened to them?

I don't know what that person should look like. It really doesn't matter. I do know that I have not been the nicest person lately. I have not been the best mom or wife. The stress of this pretty much crippled this family and I should not have let it.

So, from here on out...it will be so much better.

Thanks for putting up with me guys.

The sun will rise tomorrow and I am sure the clouds are gone!!!