HOT MESS

I am basically going to write February off as 28 days of uselessness for me. I have literally been sick the entire month. Unless you know me, you wouldn't know this. I can fake a lot of things, and really well. Most people would not even know I wouldn't think twice about sticking a sharp object in their eye because, seriously, I can fake nice well, especially with people I can not stand..... any way....I have even been out practicing football with Jax, even though I can't see straight, hear anything at a sound level below high pitched screaming and am undoubtedly thanking God that I have not been pulled over for looking like a drunk driver. My equilibrium is so far gone right now that when I sit down on the couch, if I get up too quickly, I run to get to the kitchen sink, because the bathroom is too far and I really don't want to clean up my own vomit. Yep, 24 days and counting.... Not exactly the month I am putting down in the history books as anything worth being considered awesome...... And really... the worst, for me, is yet to come.

February month end is the hardest time of year for me. I will get an email. (Cathy, I have been so sick I neglected to send you a note on Saturday, but I did shed tears for Tom when I was reading Chief Rodbell's letter) I will not read my emails until Monday. I am doing something that has been literally and physically impossible for me to do, for eight years. And hopefully, I will forget to remember and February will reinvent itself and morph into the best month. That is yet to be seen.

For now, I am still a mess. January 30th I got sick in a matter of 30 minutes. I thought I pulled a muscle in my neck. I thought I could tough it out. I thought hot baths and back rubs were my cure all and I would be fine. Two weeks later Jax and I were in urgent care and two days later, Jax was better. I thought I was but still had some lingering effects of a massive sinus infection and what my doc described as an inflamed eardrum. I guess being me, I assumed that he meant I had an ear infection and he was treating it as that. I also guess I should never assume anything when it comes to UC docs. The meds he gave me are not for ear infections and and the strength of the steroids were basically for a kid.

I am living in a floating wonderland right now. Between the pain and the light headedness, I am a wreck. To top it off, I had to go get Justice's kindergarten enrollment paperwork this morning and that put me on an internal roller coaster I couldn't get off of.

I was watching him in my rear view mirror on the way home from my doctor today. He had fallen asleep in his car seat. I burst into tears. He is so big.. but so darn little and snuggly and squishy that there is just no way he is ready to be big and go to kindergarten, all day, without the option of mommy pulling the plug on the day whenever she feels the need to. I kept crying. Darn it. I have no problem letting him go to pre-school. It is my choice to send him one day or three or five. I don't think twice on his school days. He is actually gone longer than regular school hours and he is doing school work. I have no problem leaving him even later when I have to do something that requires I be gone even after the kids are home from school. Again, my choice. Kindergarten is not my choice. I am a wreck. I take no responsibility for him testing early for kindergarten. Then again, seven days is pretty ridiculous. The cut off should be December 31st. Just a thought. Still, I am not throwing myself into cramming his sponge of a brain with everything kindergarten. After all, I am an emotional wreck about it as it is. I have given the teaching task to Brinkley. She is taking this seriously. The whiteboard comes out everyday....... the cd's are phonograming and the dry erase markers are flowing.... and those two are so very happy doing school together. Justice even does his homework at the kitchen table.

Back to the mess that is me. My doc was really mad at me today. He looked straight at me and said, "and why did it take you three weeks to come and see me?" "Um yeah... I know......." This happened to me in 1995. He was my doctor then, as well. I had a virus settle in my ears. (I worked in county jail at the time so thank God it didn't kill me... blech) The virus caused such a massive infection that my eardrum actually inverted and I was off work for 6 straight weeks. It was so bad that rumors started that I actually ran off and got married....... Today was not too far off from that diagnosis. It may or may not have been a virus, my eardrum is happily swollen twice its side.....and I have blood in my ear, behind my eardrum. Oh yeah, and I feel like my face is in a vice grip. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!

I am sure to be sick tonight. I am on a massively large amount of antibiotics. When the pharmacist decided it is in my best interest to give me a consult on my medication, even after I decline it..... I now know 1000 mg is HUGE! Uuughhhh!

I still played football with Jax, I MANAGED dinner (not to say it was something fantastic), I helped do homework, I planned the weekend, I got the kids to bed with no yelling and I actually didn't barf. That ranks right up there with a successful day to me. .....

Except for the magnetic ball thing...... we are still waiting for that to come out.....................and that alone is another long story............................

SCHOOL

I am in the middle of stock marketing/investing school right now. I had an extra pass for a guest to attend with me that I couldn't pay someone to use. I am serious. I asked everybody and no one wanted to come. I am going at this new challenge, solo. I am learning about controlling our 401K, covering calls, options and advanced options and strategies for up trends, sideways trends and down trends. That, coupled with the fact that I am bound and determined my kids will be financially independent of the rat race of an unstable corporate world, before they are done with college, has me on an adrenaline rush I can't even explain. Going solo to the class is good for me. There were hundreds of people with me. I found out what a very little world this is when I talked to my partner sitting next to me and he expalined that he is related to one of my police trainees from the P.D., before I became a motor. Small, small world.

At any rate, I sat, picnic style, on our front lawn, after school, telling Tommy everything about my 10 hours of numbers and lines and graphs and definitions and dollar amounts and stock symbols and futures and indexing. It was all so new and exciting. Like a new world had opened up to me and I had a new purpose. I couldn't stop talking and jabbering and rambling. I tend to get that way when I click with something. 200% all in. Head first. Wrapping my head around this class is so exciting.

I am beyond eager to learn and absorb and soak up everything my teachers want to share. I want do everything I can, to be successful with this, so that I can teach Jax. He is just as eager to learn just from hearing me babble like a kindergartner after a Christmas party . I think he felt the excitement in my voice. Maybe he sees deeper in to me than I realize. I think he understands that Mom has come to a point where she needs to reinvent herself and choose her new identity.

I think this is gonna be good.
Being forced to go it alone has really, really, put me in a good place.
Tommy is happy for me.
I am happy for me.

De Anna