~CHANGED~

I have put off writing this post for a long time. Not because I was dreading it. I just had a lot of things to wrap my own head around and I needed it to be perfect and understandable and PERFECT. Simply because, that is what this weekend away was for me. PERFECT and life changing. I am forever changed in so many ways I want to be able to explain to myself, Tommy, my children and Anne, what a profound effect the 4 days in Chicago had on me, because of, 4 hours, 11 years ago.

I came home from Chicago changed.

I am forever changed. That is, simply, the only way to describe it.

My weekend in Chicago changed me, I believe, in ways, for the better. I feel better as a wife, mom, friend, daughter and sister. It could be the fact that I got to go to bed and not worry about someone waking up in the middle of the night wanting a glass of water or snuggle time. It could be that I actually got to eat dinner and it was cold when it was supposed to be and hot when it was supposed to be. It could be that I got to engage in adult conversation without the every so often scream of "MOM! He's touching me again!" It could be that I got to go shopping with a purse that was not filled with fruit snacks, hot wheels cars and chocolate in case I needed to bribe Pudgie into behaving for just 5 more minutes. I really think it is the fact that I actually got to PEE without a child strapped to my leg in the bathroom asking mommy if she was making, "potty ok?"

Being away from my life, seeing Anne again, the city, the freedom, the thoughts about loss in life, the ache of missing my own family has changed me and today, I am a better person because of it all.

Anne graduated with her beautiful head held high and a radiant smile on her face. I had tears of joy streaming down my face. Tears of joy that were marked with the sadness and realization that this sweet woman is going through life without her mom, Sara. The sense and presence of that loss was very evident when I was with Anne. I especially felt it in Anne's loft. I recognized a lot of Sara's furniture from the days I would stop and say hi, at their house in Scottsdale. I don't know how she does it but she, "is." Anne is DOING, she is LIVING, she is THRIVING and GRIEVING and SUCCEEDING. Anne is head strong and so very heart smart! And I couldn't have been more proud of her even if she were my own daughter!

I sat in awe as she walked during her graduation ceremony. I cried for her and for her mom. I cried for me and for the first time I met Anne. I cried at her accomplishment of law school and of life. I silently said a prayer and promised Sara that I would always be there for Anne. No matter where, no matter what, she would always know that I would be there for her.

I am so thankful that when I look back on the call that brought us together, I didn't treat her like a teenager who needed to be yelled at by a cop, which, in turn, would have most likely made her rebel even more. Instead, we talked. From that talk, I learned that Sara called me, "Anne's angel."

I met Sara's best friend while I was in Chicago and she knew everything about me. She told me the conversation that I had with Sara and Anne the first time we met. She knew of my accident and of my children and of the time we ran into each other at the Phoenix Zoo. That alone, was one of the best feelings I could have ever felt. To hear that someone spoke so highly of how you affected their daughters life, is flattering and shocking, all at once . I had no idea. I felt so at home with them. Like we were an extended family.

Who would have that that 11 years ago, as I sat in her living room, this little girl, who didn't want to even finish high school, would grow up and to become an Estate Planning lawyer?

I can't even explain the feeling that washed over me from this weekend. I don't want to call it closure. I don't want to say I had a feeling of peace fall over me. There was just a sense of comfort that I felt in knowing that my motorcycle accident was not in vain. I accomplished something most cops only talk about in the academy. You will hear them say, when repeatedly asked why they want to be a police officer, "because I want to help people." Well, after all these years, I know I helped that "one" and it was all worth it.

I explained all of this to Tommy, and not very well, I might add. It is so hard to actually put things like this into words. It is much easier to just put it into perspective in my own mind and heart. And really, that is all that matters.

I wake up everyday now, with a smile and sense of well-being. I am a better mom, a better wife and a better person, all around. I am happier with me. I am happier with the woman I am and where I have been. The things I have encountered have made me who and what I am and this weekend cemented the fact that I have an amazing life, an amazing family and it is ok to move forward and enjoy this life without the career I once loved and will forever miss. It also made me realize that one of the sayings that I try to live by, can actually change someones life forever.....

YOU NEVER GET A SECOND CHANCE, TO MAKE A FIRST IMPRESSION.