A New "Tude"

Tommy mentioned to one of his co-workers that it is as if he is married to a brand new wife since 2011 started. 


A few of my friends have come out and asked me what my New Year's resolutions were because they see a difference in not just me, but in our family.


My own mom asked me what was really going on... and if something was wrong in my marriage that would cause me to be losing so much weight, to be in such a continuously amazing mood, and to have such a different outlook on everything.

Truth be told..............
*Tommy is still married, or should I say, "stuck" with the crazy wife he married almost 13 years ago.


*I don't believe in resolutions. 
I never have. 
I think they are a cop-out. 
A full-on excuse to accept laziness or bad habits, or worse yet, another excuse to never improve on who you are... so for me, NO resolutions.


*And as far as my mom goes, everything is absolutely and perfectly, "right,"  in my marriage.  Working out has taken one of the top spots on the, "priorities list,"  in my life again, causing the weight loss and my reality outlook on everything, "Jensen," actually took a sharp 180 degree turn for the, "incredible,"  about two weeks before new years. (about the time the crumb-snatchers went on Christmas break)


After a few differences of opinion and a lot of drama here and there.... I had just had enough of the life as we knew it and life as we were living it.........  it was actually, slightly ridiculous.


I thought long and hard about things.  I finally figured out that I was trying to fit into lifestyles that I had absolutely no part in trying to fit into.  I was miserable.  I was going places I really had no business going.... and had no real friends that wanted to do the things with me that I love, but I was doing their things.  No one wanted to workout, which is what I love doing, more than just about anything. I had to break free of the, "oh that is just how they are," attitude and realize that people used me, a lot.    

I was watching what I was doing and saying and just not able to be, "ME," with my personality and what I believe in.  And pretty much, it no longer worked for me because I couldn't get past that feeling that I was not, "ME."  This was not the way I was raised and I surely was not about to let my kids think that this was how we should live our lives or how we are raising them.    

After some serious soul searching and a revamped idea of who we are and what we do in this family, I decided that it was beyond important that my kids realize that they are #1 on our everything in life list and everyone and everything else falls way short now.  I had to realize that what I had growing up, just isn't ever going to happen for my kids and it was time to just let those "dreams" go.  My parents don't even have a desire to be grandparents, let alone the kind of grandparents I had growing up and I have finally come to terms with that.  I had to have a talk about it and truth be told, the truth hurts.  And I am fine with that. 

I won't beg for anyone to go on trips with us anymore...  I think that may have been shocking to them.  I used to love when my grandpa went to The Lake of The Ozarks with us.  My kids won't have those kinds of memories, and after some serious thinking and after long, heart-breaking conversations with Tommy about it...  I am fine with it and I won't be holding any grudges at all.  In the end, it will be sad, but my kids won't suffer for it.  They will know they are our priority, our vacations will happen and when my mom comes up with, why wasn't I invited? well, I will be brutally honest, again.

Next, I decided I am putting me at the top of the list too. 

That has not happened in so many years it felt as if I were lost in some other person's space.  It is not meant to sound conceited or self centered.  It is through trial and error we learn what does and does not work for the ones that mean the most.   A long time ago I learned that if I am not at 110%, I can't take care of my family the way they deserve.  And I can't depend on anyone else to be there for them the way I am.  I will never forget the saying,  "No one cares for your kids the way you do."  It is so true.  As long as I am able, I will do everything humanly possible to make my family a success!!!!

After years of trying to be careful not to offend, or upset, or say something that might anger someone.... I have stopped worrying that who I am or what I may say or do, might offend, intimidate, anger, piss off, shock, scare or worse .... make them stop hanging out with me or my family.  I have found my stride again.  I have found friends that are, "real," friends.  Friends that we do things with, that we can have over to our house and who have us over to their house in return.  Friends that our kids want to do things with.  It is a huge relief to find these kind of friendships.  Friendships that don't have to pass tests and are based on unrealistic judgements and expectations!!! Adult friendships that are not based around our kids being friends, but the fact that they all are, makes it a bonus!!!!

We are laughing more, a lot more.  So much so that we have had tears run down our cheeks when we make jokes.  We are enjoying everything that life has to offer.  I actually enjoy being in our house during the day and have been teaching our kids so many new and exciting things.....laundry is getting easier with them doing it right along side me, bathrooms are getting cleaned by their users now and delegating responsibility is not a constant fight anymore. 

We are looking forward to some pretty amazing things for our year.  I have already planned three vacations.....to surprise everyone with.  We are working harder in school and at work and playing harder when we are together. We have realized that cherishing the 5 of us as a family is the most important thing we can do every single day...  instead of being upset about those that don't want to enjoy the time with us......  And we are loving the "little everyday things," that make life worth living,    every.   single.   day!!!

So for 2011 Tommy and I have both decided that people either want to be part of our entire families life...  or they don't ...  and we won't lose any sleep over it!!!  We will not be used and we won't fall into anyone elses drama or insecurities.  Life is too short to deal with anyone elses garbage, sad lives or problems that don't affect us..... I am sure that I will still be the, "go to girl," for gossip.  That has happened my entire life.  I like that and I am good with that.  But I won't let people blame things on me or pretend to be important to our existence anymore.....

and I won't spend one more precious second, trying to fit in.  I have come to realize, once again,  I am a star shaped, glitter and sparkle coverd peg....  that has been trying to fit into square, frumpy holes for way too long.   I don't dumb anything down for anyone, but I had been toning it down in ways that were not me...... so that.....is done and over with!!!!   

And that decision alone, has made my life so much happier!!!!

Bring on 2011, I am beyond ready for what it already holds for our family!!!!