New lessons

I am a horrible forgiver. I can say the words until I am blue in the face, but in the deep darks depths of my mind, I never forget. It is a bad, bad habit. Maybe a bad curse. I acknowledge it. That is a step in the right direction.

For years I have said I forgive for this or that, but in reality, the grudge-master in me let it eat at me. It came in handy when I needed something to start a fire under me at the gym or to do something that required brute force strength. I would just think of something that lingered in awful ways, let the anger start, push forward, get past it and move on to the next task. I always had a snide remark in mind or something not so nice to discuss behind closed doors. Little things would eat at me. Stupid little things. I know I can't change how people are raised. I can't change if people are just out for themselves even if they portray another image and I can't make people do things to help others. I know I still love to do things for people even when I know I am being taken advantage of. Maybe that was why I loved being a cop. You never really get recognition in that job. Well, at least not usually the good kind. You just know you did well and you move on.

Holding on to the bad is really just exhausting.

Whatever has been happening lately, I kinda like it. I moved many steps forward today and felt such a huge weight of relief to really forgive today and to put bad thoughts to rest.

I know a lot of how things have changed has to do with Tommy. Don't get me wrong, he can hold grudges, but he chooses not to. He has learned that time passes quickly and in the blink of an eye, you can nearly lose your wife or your baby sister can lose her life without ever being able to say goodbye to her.

Grudges get you nowhere in life. I know this for a fact. Years can pass and what seems like "no big deal" is really a baby taking their first steps, an older sister rebuilding a life into something amazing and fantastic, a young grandson scoring nearly impossibly scores on standardized tests or a baby girl that misses family desperately.

Tommy made a comment to me the other night that will forever, stick in the dark places. It will consume any bad grudges and eat away at any anger that I dare to hold onto. He said,

"I don't want our kids to grow up angry. I want them to understand forgivness and be happy. Life is hard enough. Holding grudges eats at a persons soul and I don't want that for Jax and Binky and Pudgie."

Me neither babe! Me neither!