REALITY~ OR SO THEY SAY

REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE AND YOU DREAMED OF THE BUTTERFLIES YOU WOULD FEEL WHEN THE PERFECT LOVE CAME AROUND?  HOW YOUR HEART WOULD SKIP A BEAT WHEN YOU FIRST SAW THAT LOVE? HOW YOU YOU WOULD BECOME BREATHLESS WHEN THAT LOVE CAME TOO CLOSE TO YOU?  WORSE YET, DARE THEY SPEAK TO YOU, ASK YOU OUT.....OR  KISS YOU LIKE TOMORROW'S WERE ONLY A DREAM AND YESTERDAY NEVER EXISTED?  WHAT THEN??

Fairytale?
Fiction or Non?
Fantasy?
Familiar?  

Which would it be? 

If you are a girl, most likely, your fantasy is the butterflies that last forever with passion that never fades.  The perfect mixture of interlaced fingers, racing hearts, simple whispers in candle lit rooms late into the night. The digital age brings on sweet texts that offer racy promises but handwritten cards or simple little love notes will still make ones heart skip a simple beat back to day one when you fell madly in love at first sight.

If you are a guy, maybe the same, with more hands on and visual attempts at racy raunch.  After all, you are human, and male right?  But who doesn't want a life of passion and love and laughter and happiness?

The problem begins when you realize you have started to grow apart in any way what so ever.  Work status, health, fitness level, at the point that the value of ones life begins to outweigh the value of the others life.  It happens day in and day out.  One week into a relationship or 10 years into a marriage.  One has to wonder, what makes the good ones good and the great ones even better????? or the simple ones just fade????

What does one do if they have been, ever so kindly,  invited to exit the so-called, fairytale, if it is not what they thought it was what they really signed up for in life?  What do you tell that princess or prince that grew up believing in that dream of passion and romance and everything  love....?  How do you even begin to teach the magic of long, slow, deep, wet kisses that last for days, when they no longer exsist because life has moved on and somehow, well, that is just everyones excuse in society today? 

What if you don't buy that excuse?  And you want to fight for that passion everyone keeps downplaying and has made you forget, even though you know so deep down, somewhere, it still simmers.    

What if the  invitation to exit the fairytale irrevocably crushes ones spirit and rips out another reason to believe in that fairytale.  In any fairytales?   What if that invitation is your own fault and you know that, you own it and you can feel your own guilt eating you alive?????

Tonight, the only advice I have is to hug the ones you love and remember what it was that really, really, brought you and those in your kingdom together!!  And cold towels on swollen, tear filled eyes.

To Be Continued........

Forgetting...

As of late, I have been doing a ton of forgiving.... and as usual, it is the whole, "forgetting," that becomes the problematic thing for me.  I am a total grudge-master by nature so forgiving in itself is a fate worse than death, but I am mastering it.... it is the forgetting that is the problem now.

Tommy is coming to a complete understanding of the stories I have told him about my past now, as well.

Growing up, I got along with boys.  Not girls.  I hated girl drama and all things related to girl drama.  I hated being dragged into girl drama and never had any problem telling girls where to go, how to get there, or the truth about anything in between.  Anyone who is a girl knows, 99% of girls like things sugar coated, and with me....that stuff just doesn't fly.  I do much better hanging with guys anyways.  I like guy things.  Shooting, working out, talking about sex, joking about sex, laughing about sports, playing sports with the guys...... avoid cooking at all costs.....  I have always, always had more guy friends than girl friends, even now.

Go figure...  life is still filled with ridiculous girl drama. Twenty five years later.

I honestly thought I was getting past this garbage.  After tons of soul searching about past drama and finally just giving up and letting things go I really figured my saying, "it is what it is," was best put into play and our family life went on.  I talked at length with my kiddos about a bunch of stuff and life was great.  We were moving forward at mach 3 and loving life...  and then my phone rang.

Tommy sat speechless when I told him what I had just been accused of.  Worse than what was said, at first, was that it was someone who I really considered to be a family friend.  Someone I allowed into my home, to eat dinner at my table and someone I thought I trusted......  I was speechless.... dumbfounded...... and now...just outright PISSED.

After a long talk with Tommy we came to some of the same conclusions: the accusations could have seriously done irreparable damage to our marriage if Tommy and I didn't have such a strong marriage and Tommy didn't know what kind of wife I am.  And in the end, what was the the craziest and most un-nerving thing was just ......  HOW OUTLANDISH THE ACCUSATIONS WERE!!!!!!!

I really thought I could laugh at this.  Then I realized just how furious I really was.  I had done absolutely nothing but accept a family for who they were, what they believed, what their faults were and what their problems were... and  I was smacked in the face.  So much so that I felt it was necessary to talk to my two oldest children about it, because I worried about their safety.  That was how crazy things had gotten.

In the end, I am struggling to understand where things stand and how things will ever get fixed.  Apologies have been made but a line was seriously crossed and you really can not take things like that back.

So we are stuck were we are stuck.  And really, we are fine with that.  Because we have been honest with our kids about the things that have happened.  We have been honest with our kids about why things have changed and we have been honest with our kids about why some women are so insecure and make such horrible accusations.  We have learned from this and I am sure as I get farther away from the whole situation, it will all get better and one day, we will laugh about it. 

It will take some time, so for now, all I can hope for, is that my kids realize how much mom and dad love each other.  That, and how much working out is an awesome way to relieve stress and get a rocking body in the process!!!!! 

Nothing...

I am embarrassed to say that I am behind on my Christmas cards, my holiday goodies, my gifts for friends, my gifts for family and my yearly Holiday letter. Very far behind.....

What have I been doing that has gotten me so far behind you might ask?

Nothing

Nada

Nil

Zilch

Zero

I have done nothing at all, except wake my little munchies up early every morning of their Christmas Break and take them begrudgingly to the gym.

Then we rush home so we can all do absolutely nothing together.

We rush to get drinks and snacks and whatever we may need to be outside and go, go, go. I am just enjoying the laughter of my kids and sometimes I even enjoy the sound of the little spats that rise out of too much togetherness. It has been a long time since I can actually say I have enjoyed doing nothing.

We have turned what is usually the stressful holiday hustle and bustle into days filled with snowballs (thanks to 40+ tons of snow trucked in to the school behind us for the church that meets there on Sundays) and bike riding, running while shooting the nerf guns, playing on the ride on motorcycle and hummer until the batteries are so dead they won't even move..... and drinking lots of hot chocolate.

I should be finishing up the wrapping of presents or baking the goodies that will ultimately sabotage my fat loss goals for the 3rd of January.. but I am not. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am sure that we will, once again, be outside playing and laughing and running and smiling... and I will love it.

After all, sunny days like we have been having (except for the rain in the evening yesterday) are a dime a dozen in the winter and when you can still get pink cheeks on Christmas Eve from the heat.... why would I slave over a stove?

So for me, hanging with Jax, Brinkley and Pudgie..playing Christmas Bingo and doing nothing at all is absolutely perfect.

For me...

That is Something!!!!!

Busy Days..

The past few days have been beyond busy for us. Things finally caught up with me about Wednesday and I started feeling sick... or at least I thought I was getting sick. I believe it is something else... much worse, but I can't confirm it yet. Either way, it has knocked me outta my normal loop for the past 4 days now. Tommy has noticed it and started to get worried. I have been seriously exhausted and that is just not me.


He secretly scheduled an in home massage for me. Or at least he tried to be secretive. Brinkley had to be at her friends church at 10 a.m. this morning to attend her baptism, we had a party to go to tonight and I had a million other things I thought I needed to get done today in between those two scheduled parties... but thankfully, Tommy put the brakes on me. He point blank told me that I had to be home right after I got Binky to the church and that was that. NO ARGUING. Fry's and everywhere else would wait. At 10:30 this morning, I got a much needed swedish massage. It was heavenly. I was a serious mess. For as much as I thought I had been taking care of myself, I have not and how sick I got after the massage was proof that sometimes you get burned when you light the candle at both ends!


Thank you for being the best husband around doll! I feel so much better now! The next few days off should be the icing on the cake now!!!

New lessons

I am a horrible forgiver. I can say the words until I am blue in the face, but in the deep darks depths of my mind, I never forget. It is a bad, bad habit. Maybe a bad curse. I acknowledge it. That is a step in the right direction.

For years I have said I forgive for this or that, but in reality, the grudge-master in me let it eat at me. It came in handy when I needed something to start a fire under me at the gym or to do something that required brute force strength. I would just think of something that lingered in awful ways, let the anger start, push forward, get past it and move on to the next task. I always had a snide remark in mind or something not so nice to discuss behind closed doors. Little things would eat at me. Stupid little things. I know I can't change how people are raised. I can't change if people are just out for themselves even if they portray another image and I can't make people do things to help others. I know I still love to do things for people even when I know I am being taken advantage of. Maybe that was why I loved being a cop. You never really get recognition in that job. Well, at least not usually the good kind. You just know you did well and you move on.

Holding on to the bad is really just exhausting.

Whatever has been happening lately, I kinda like it. I moved many steps forward today and felt such a huge weight of relief to really forgive today and to put bad thoughts to rest.

I know a lot of how things have changed has to do with Tommy. Don't get me wrong, he can hold grudges, but he chooses not to. He has learned that time passes quickly and in the blink of an eye, you can nearly lose your wife or your baby sister can lose her life without ever being able to say goodbye to her.

Grudges get you nowhere in life. I know this for a fact. Years can pass and what seems like "no big deal" is really a baby taking their first steps, an older sister rebuilding a life into something amazing and fantastic, a young grandson scoring nearly impossibly scores on standardized tests or a baby girl that misses family desperately.

Tommy made a comment to me the other night that will forever, stick in the dark places. It will consume any bad grudges and eat away at any anger that I dare to hold onto. He said,

"I don't want our kids to grow up angry. I want them to understand forgivness and be happy. Life is hard enough. Holding grudges eats at a persons soul and I don't want that for Jax and Binky and Pudgie."

Me neither babe! Me neither!

Where credit is due....

I have a temper. Not just a temper. A very bad, spiteful, vindictive and vicious temper. When I am pushed to an edge, I am capable of very, very bad things. This is probably a very large understatement. I am not proud of this fact but I think knowing this is half the battle for me. Luckily, I rarely need to be reeled back in by Tommy, to put the grudge-master in me, back in check.

Until last night...... so

This morning, he very tactfully did just that, for me. He just made sure he did it in a way that I would not notice until it was too late or tip me off during, as not to unleash the anger~monster at him.

I was on a mission throughout the night. Angry threats struck a bad chord in me and I was going to ruin someones life today. In a serious way. I don't take kindly to threats and for me, there was no looking back. Tommy must have had a feeling something was going south with me during his shift last night, because by the time he came home this morning, he was smoothing some serious bumps and laying a new foundation for the day. Somehow it made me a lot less angry, even less mean-spirited and a so much more forgiving, I almost didn't know who I was or how it happened.

Leave it to him to level the playing field and patch up the divets. I have an awesome husband. I love that we agree on 99.9% of everything we do, in every aspect of our lives. The fact that we are always a team, no matter what, keeps me going strong everyday. I love that he is the one and only person that can take me from an enraged stage to a place that is comforting and calming, all in a matter of 5 minutes.

Tommy is constantly teaching me to forgive those that are deserving of it and to feel compassion for those that really are not so. He teaches me something every single day about the little things in life and how short time really is.

For a long time we have lived with anger as an underlying factor in our lives. It was not a choice we made..it was just how it was with the people we were surrounded by. The past few weeks has changed our family a lot. In so many good ways. This morning was proof positive to me that letting the anger go and really forgiving someone is so refreshing and uplifiting.

I would never use the cliche, "You complete me"....because in reality, "You compliment me" is really Tommy and I. That is our entire realtionship in a nutshell. Every aspect of each of us is so complimentary that my head would just spin without him!

Thank you for this morning.