Fingers crossed, again

Ahh another Sunday.

One still sleeps. Which is probably better since he crawled into bed about 0530 this morning... and we were not exactly on speaking terms last night, when I went to bed.

I vented. Not about him or anything in particular..... yet everything under the sun.... just typical MOM stuff that everyone deals with and gets tired of and wonders when it will get through to everyone.......and how many times I need to repeat myself and ask to pick up this and that and, well, you get the gist. I vented... and it turned ugly and now, well, now he sleeps, and I finished my first workout of the day only to come in and find the dog chewing a pack of gum, my little munchies playing Madden '11, while eating everything that they shouldn't, for breakfast. It is Sunday so I will pick my battles wisely. I am going into hiding.................................and no one will care or miss me.

I retreated to Jaxi's hole of a blacked out room. Container of strawberries in one hand, rented movie and computer in the other. I can hide out here all day. No one will notice I am not in the room until there is a fight of some sorts over something inconsequential. For now I get to relax and re-evaluate and plan and plot. It was somewhat ironic that I read an article this morning about the reversal of jealousy that a mom felt about the stay at home mom that gets to spend lazy days of summer with her kids and how she would love to be able to choose a lunch date after the summer movie morning rather than trying to find every available summer camp, under the sun, to ensure her son was safe and having fun....... while she went to work everyday. I miss those days. I used to feel like I was accomplished and that I was balancing everything perfectly. I can't say that I feel like that I accomplish much of anything anymore. I have been told my balancing act isn't so spiffy and well...... my organizational skills are truly lacking, again and again I have been told. Makes for one happy Mom!!!! Funny thing is, everything and everyone else in this family is balanced and supremely organized, thanks to my dysfunciton of not being able to get my own act together.

The kids have all their school clothes in color coded order. Pencils are in color coded order, papers are filed, projects in the calendar, toothpastes in order of which child uses which paste, food is organized by snack preference, and backpacks are hung by the garage door with care. Daddy's clothes magically appear in drawers and on hangers, under armors are miraculously waiting on the railing to be carted to work....daily, food finds its way into lunch boxes and money into wallets..... and on occasion... the tooth fairy even remembers to make fairy dusted appearances.

They are all organized and ready to roll every single day. Maybe that is my biggest downfall. I organize them so well that I can't even fathom attempting to find a care in the world big enough to organize mine. I am figuring that it is about time I do that. We are finishing up three really, really trying weeks and things may just actually start to fall into place in this house.

A little dude woke me up this morning... again.
I took it as a sign that I needed to get moving in order to earn the lazy Sunday we all need.
The sweat felt really good this morning.
I was sucking air hoping that I didn't pass out.
It cleared my head and I am pretty sure it wiped out my bad attitude.
I hate running but it brought out the high I needed to kick my own self into days ahead.

I already feel like the week is in the bag and I can get another workout in tonight.

Keeping my fingers crossed that this all works out the way I am planning it.....

Boycotting...

I am refusing to check the mail these days.

I am avoiding answering, let alone talking, on the phone.

I kinda am backing down from discussions with my own husband.

I don't like change. Not all kinds of change suck to me, but lots do. Or maybe they don't suck at all and it is me that sucks.

Whatever the case... I could go years without changing my hair. I could go on forever without changing cars. I could survive on the same food month after month, without change. That is how I roll.

And now, there are some serious changes in the works.

Nothing is "FOR SURE" and nothing is "set in stone" and nothing is there to stress over, yet. So, here I am thinking, "change sucks and I want to curl up in the corner with a Sonic slush and just wait it all out!"

Yet, I can't do that
so now we just gotta wait and see.....
and maybe answer the phone
and make the trek to the mailbox........
cuz whether or not I like it, change is here
and it is only going to get worse as the kids grow up
and Tommy moves on in his job!

I DON'T HEART BIRDS!

A few weeks back I finally realized I am not hearing things.

I finally realized that my downstairs bathroom is not possessed.

I finally got to the bottom of the toilet talking and the water lines making scratching sounds. Yeah, I am being serious. For a few months, there have been scraping noises going on in our bathroom downstairs. Scratching and just strange noises that I could not figure out what they were. I was, of course, the only one who would hear these noises. That being said, for a long time, I was the only one waking up at 4:30 in the morning. It was driving me nuts.

Every time I heard it, I would call someone and have them come into the bathroom and of course, no noise.

Flash forward about 2 months later. I am still hearing the noises and just don't say anything. I am sitting on the driveway with my cousin and I see a bird dive bombing our courtyard. He keeps going towards the air vent to the bathroom. It, of course, is sealed off..... right.

Well low and behold, Mr. Bird is actually Mrs. Bird, who has forced the painted shut valve open, and built herself a little nest in our venting tubes. We now have the oh so sweet sound of chirping baby birds in the bathroom. Night and day, day and night. Chirp, chirp, chirp.

I freakin hate birds. They are disgusting animals that carry disease and make me sick and now I have baby ones living and yapping in my houses walls.

We tried sticking the vacuum down into the tubes to suck out the nest, before we knew there were babies in there. No such luck.

So today I decided to see how far down this darn nest actually is.

For crying out loud... they are like 5 feet into the house....... once they fly away this thing is getting super glued shut!

GROSS!

I know you can't see the birds... well barely. There are 4 in there and if I didn't have kids, I would have someone come and suck them outta my vents! Urrgh!

Just For Today~

I have so many posts that I need to finish up from the last two weeks. They are slowly coming together...

But just for today... they can wait.

Last night I was watching some very sad television shows. It was the first night in a few weeks that the kiddos were sound asleep, Tommy was working and I was alone with me, myself and I.... and tons of laundry to do.

I was beat.
Exhausted.

We have all been running on empty but loving every second of it the past week and a half. My kids were so tired they actually put themselves to bed ten minutes after they had gone upstairs to play for the 25 minutes I had given them until bed time. Tommy had already gone to work so I figured they would wind down and come tell me they needed, "just 10 more minutes," like they usually do. I came to check on them at 7:45 and found each of them snuggled under their gigantic blankets, each in their own little spot, on Jaxi's bed, sound asleep. Brinkley had a smile on her face, Pudgie was flat on his back, arms stretched wide apart like he was ready for a hug, with his head under the pillow and Jax was stretched out long, looking like a young man instead of a 10 year old boy. After getting everyone tucked and snuggled and into jammies I got to stop and wonder where did my babies go? Then I remembered how our conversations somehow got on the subject of planning babies, early this morning.

We joked how only one of our kids was really planned. Jax chimed in, "so you planned to have your first baby and the rest of us were accidents?" I laughed and said, "No Jax, you were the planned baby. We planned and planned and planned you and then Brinkley was a gift when I was in motor school... and Pudgie was a miracle!" Funny how kids see things so differently. Brinkley is begging me for another sister. She sees all these families having 5, 6, 8 and 10 babies around us and does not see how lucky she is to be the sole little angel in our house. What she does not know is that, I too, wish for one more.

I don't stop to remember what my body went through when I was pregnant with Pudgie man. I remember the doctor basically asking me to end the pregnancy. I remember everyone holding their breaths. I remember one person saying, "Don't you have enough to handle with these two? Why would you want more?" And they were family....

I would love another baby in this house. I would love to watch Pudgie become the big brother and see how responsible Jax and Brinkley are at this age. The smell of that newborn and the newness of everything again. I would love to watch in awe as my kids teach a new little one everything they know. And who knows... stranger things have happened right? Even though I am done with babies..... I have heard people say that before.

For today, I am working towards making my family realize:
*what a great life we have
*how lucky we are to live in the house we do
*to have food on the table
*clothes on our backs, when we decide to actually put them on
*we have cars to get us where we need to go
*and we are lucky that they are really nice
*we are not wealthy but we are dang rich
*Tommy loves the job he does
*how lucky we are Tommy has that job
*that working together as a family makes play time that much greater

I watched these shows last night with families that are in serious crisis. I am not talking about people that are simply not able to make mortgage payments and are losing their houses. I am talking about families that are living in filth and have no food let alone cars or insurance or clean water for showers. I am talking about people that move every night and hope that they are still alive. The kids only wish they could go to school. They wonder where exactly their next meal or any food at all, will come from. It isn't always about drugs or alcohol. Some of these people have been dealt really bad hands in life and some of these people are where they are out of sheer laziness and do actually deserve where they are. Some of these people were born into this way of life and don't know any better and some just don't care anymore.

It was really sad.
It was really eye opening.
It was a good way to clear my head.
It was a good night for me to thank God for all that is, was, will be, and has been done.... with my family.

It is nights like last night that I need.....
It is the slap across the face that wakes me up to the piddly things.....
It is the wake up call about priorities.....
It is what it is....

Reality.

The reality that:
*Life is hard.
*It takes work to be successful.
*It sucks to do housework instead of go outside and play all the time.
*It is boring folding laundry until the fabric softener smell is all over your hands.
*It is gross washing bathroom floors where your boys have accidents.
*Hard work doesn't seem like work when you are doing it for the ones you love.
*Some things suck less when someone tells you they appreciate your work.
*Boring is a state of mind. When your 4 year old asks if Optimus Prime can fold clothes too, it starts getting funny... and nothing gets done except lots of hugs and kisses and that is a lot of accomplishing something.
*Some people are out for everything for themselves.
*Those same people will use you for what they can get and then walk out of your life, and
*You will be a better person for letting them walk, rather than throwing something at their heads.......

So for today, and hopefully here on out.... letting the little things go a little bit quicker, loving a lot more, helping more and giving more and realizing that it is not about the things we have, but the people that we have!

Happy Monday little family. We have the choice to make it a great one or a beyond GREAT one!

I made my decision early on this morning!!!!

Now, on to laundry and finishing up those other posts Daddy has been waiting so patiently on!!!

SALARIES

I serve on a board, that no one really knows about, for "things" so I get to be kept in the loop or know, about all things POLICE and sometimes FIRE. There are days that I find out things more quickly than Tommy. That is not usually a good sign.

Today I decided to actually read some paperwork I was sent. After all, it had to be better than the conversation I just had with IRS agent #4223178.

I opened my beautiful little Adobe Reader doc and started reading. Pretty soon, my mouth just fell open. Don't get me wrong... We are over the rainbow happy that Tommy is in a position that will never go away with his job. I say that because right now... crime is increasing everywhere and that turns into job security.

At any rate, I remember how, back in the day, his city used to pride themselves on being in the top 3, of public safety salary schedules. They used to make sure that they did not fall out of their standings. I cringed when I started reading..... because if you only knew the salaries of some of the jobs out there.. some might actually rethink their career or college aspirations...

I was a lot more than shocked to see that the head librarian in one city makes over $10,000 per month. That is a lotta bank for someone who knows the Dewey Decimal System. Do you actually go to school to learn how to be a librarian? I am being serious. Were you a teacher first and then promoted to Librarian? How does one even aspire to be the head librarian? Is it a love of books or quiet? And hey, if the head librarian position is not open, I would take the "Librarian I" position. She is making over $6,000 a month. And why am I just assuming that these Librarian's are all women? Is that racial/gender profiling? I seriously have never ever seen a male Librarian. Strange........ Maybe a lil too thought provoking for this Wednesday afternoon.

Then there are the semi-skilled workers. What exactly does that mean? What are you semi skilled in? And if you are only semi skilled, does that mean that you are only doing your job half assed? Because if that is the case, I wouldn't want to be driving the police car, at mach 2 chasing a murder suspect, after you put the new tires on it... semi-well. Semi-skills pay pretty decent it would seem. I assume that they have benefits and that is always a bonus in today's world. I was, however, surprised to find out that being semi-skilled pays the best in a city that is only known for its parties and spring breaks... maybe that is why they only need their skills to be semi-good. Maybe they live in a semi-sober state of confusion.

And wow, a few cities actually consider your birthday to be a holiday and pay you for it. That is my kind of town. Unfortunately, Tommy doesn't work there.

Then, and this one really got me all flugal-binder flabbergasted....One city clerk makes over double that of another city's police chief. I am serious. We are talking MAJOR BANK. I have no idea what the position entails, but to be making upwards of 144K a year with the title of clerk... majorly impressive!!!!

I have no idea why I chose to write this post.

Maybe I am just happy Tommy is working, all the time lately, even if your pay scale has dipped to a barely there.... number 6... You are always number 1 to me!!

Best

Ahhhh........ today started off with pure perfection. It was scheduled last night. Seriously. I always have my days planned. Kinda a freak that way. Unfortunately, my aches and pains don't always like my idea of a schedule. Sunday night was a prime example of the bad things that go on in the middle of the night in this house...... but a post for later, that is.

You see, last night, I made my oh so very organized list of to do things, prepped the house for the new day, worked out with the kids for an hour, figured out my early morning workout, did more and more laundry and got ready for bed. It was only 2049 when I sat down to double check my grocery list. I actually thought that I was going to go to sleep. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA who was I kidding?

Sleep was hard to come by. I think I finally dozed off about 1245. I must have slept well because I was up and ready to Rock the day away at 0430 hrs. I had a workout all planned but by the time I got downstairs, Jax was already working out. I decided on Happy Hundreds. It was the perfect way for the two of us to spend some time together.

The list now had one thing crossed off. Then came the .... errghhh refrigerator. Gross. Just gross. The thought of the kinds of food that were lingering from the Superbowl Game made me gag. I promised Tommy that I was done with the garbage in this house. It is no wonder my workouts suck and my favorite jeans are mocking me.

I threw away anything and everything I could not identify or that I just figured no one needed to ingest. Then I scrubbed, and scrubbed, and scrubbed some more. We were left with pickles, mustard, some O.J., milk, Olive Garden salad dressing, carrots and apples. Score .... this puppy was ready for the zone again. Pineapple, cheese sticks, turkey slices and monterey jack cheese were going to have a sparkling clean home.

Then I got a most wonderful text from my super Mom buddy. She wanted to know if I wanted a baby fix this morning. Tuesday was just getting better and better by the second. Baby Maryn showed up and my kids changed in an instant. Jax calls her, "baby chubbs." He shocked me when he walked up to me and just took her out of my arms and snuggled her. Brinkley was flaming mad she did not get first dibs at holding her. Pudgie just kept asking, "hey baby, do you want to play swords with me? It was awesome. I agreed that Daddy and Mommy would keep trying for baby number four, just to appease the kiddos. I thought that was the easiest way to drop the subject, until Brinkley proudly announced to her friends at school that, "My Mom and Dad are working on a new baby for us!" YIKES!To me, this was just the perfect way to start a really busy week for Tommy and I.

My refrigerator no longer looks like this.........Somehow, I already feel healthier with it looking like this.................................. What more could a girl want????? I guess the simple things really do make me happy.

I am getting ready to do my second workout of the day. I figure if I really want to get it in gear, two-a-days will force the ultimate diet back onto Tommy and I. We function so much better on the Zone. Let me tell you, Superbowl food leaves a lot to be desired.......Blech.


De Anna

~Routine Reality Smack....

I hate the word, "routine." It runs pretty close to the word, "Obedient," in my book of crappy words. When used in a sentence discussing kids and what they should be doing, I literally want to barf when adults say their kids need to learn obedience. . I can't fathom using the words obedience when teaching my kids to listen. DOGS go to obedience school. Kids choose not to listen. It is not a matter of whether or not they are obedient. Ick, that just grates me and I have no idea where that even just came from.

Anyway... what a week.

It wasn't as bad as it could get, but in my world, I deal with the, "abnormal," rather than, "normal," stay-at-home-mom shenanigans, so most would say, this pretty much sucked. That is ok though. Learned tons.

Lost to re-cap~

My first priority is to convince one husband to lay low at work for awhile. I was stunned to watch the news this morning to find out about this. I worked patrol with his ex-wife. She and I were the only girls on the squad and hung out a lot. I remember when she was pregnant with their first daughter and how she called me all the time after my wreck. I met Eric a few times at work. Something stung me hard about this one losing his life. I can't shake a feeling and it is bugging me so much so I can't even sit still. I feel for his little girls. They are at a hard enough age.

It makes me cringe. I think about my kids and what would happen if patrol cars showed up to my house in the middle of the night. Every night I play this out in my head. I guess I have a morbid sort of routine going on. No one in this house except me lives with this fear. I have often joked about it with neighbors. They would know something horrible has happened if they wake up and there are marked patrol cars in front of my house. That is the way we deal with most of the stressful things in our house. Laughter is our fave form of meds here. Somehow, I don't think Tommy understands that this fear is alive and well every day that he, "races, beeps, and blows us kisses," with his routine good~bye. I have learned to live with it. Today was a, "JOLT," reminder. There are no such things as, "routine traffic stops."

Not many understand these morbid jokes. I get some very, "that is so distasteful," looks from those people. I have often tried to explain that life like this is so different. We don't have the luxury of a Sabbath Sunday. (Yep, I know something about religion, being raised with the Catholic guilt and all!!!!) In reality, no one who has ever been a cop has had this luxury. Everybody is a rookie at the beginning and everybody has worked a Sunday!!! Anyway, everyday that Tommy high tails it away from Casa de CrazyTown, I know it could be the last time I talk to him. The possibility is really slim but the chance is still there and I tuck it away. There are so few that understand this form of relationship. Joe Blow driving to his superstore job to load and unload trucks probably worries about getting squished by falling toilet paper, or Demon Dave's job of running numbers at the bank most likely will not get him too hurt... except for the blister from the calculator. I am kidding. Seriously though, I run all kinds of scenarios through my head daily when he is on shift. On the rare occasion that he is working emergency traffic and can't respond to my text messages in the morning, my kids can instantly feel the stress that surrounds me. Jax has a knack for seeing it in my eyes and knows.... I always get tighter hugs on these mornings. It is how we live. It works for us. I can't say if I were still on the street that things would work so smoothly. Thankfully I am here day in and day out to make sure that things are smooth and I always remind the man that his ultimate goal at work is to, "come home, everyday!" Thank you to the boys and girl on his squad that keep him safe every night and day.

Onto the rest of the rest~

I had a doctors appointment yesterday. I always feel so much better when I see this doctor. He is a healer. A spiritual healer. He travels the world and has a healing room, which I still have not worked up the guts to go to... baby steps for this tough chick.... shhhhhh! Anyway... I was feeling so much better when we talked of doing away with one of my, "life-sustaining meds." Or maybe it was my kids' life-sustaining meds. At any rate, we are changing things and I am looking up about it. The fact that when all is said and done, being off it will induce 10 to 20 to 30 pounds of weight loss has me jumping for my new jeans!!!! (Dang it, I should have done the biggest loser and won all the money~ again, kidding) At any rate, I am so excited and looking at life with the half full attitude more and more....that, I did, what most will sit here with their mouths agape at, when I write it.....

I went with my buddy and her friends to a Mormon women's group last night. I can not remember what the Mormon church calls it for the life of me, but it is the, "Women's Relief Society Night." (Ok, I think that is what it is, gimme a little room here, I went!!!) I have been asked to attend so many times and have never gone for one reason or another but tonight things just fell into place and I wanted to go. The subject was, "Putting the Spark back in your Marriage." I knew they would not be discussing anything sexual and I promised not to open my mouth on the subject, at all! So.... since no one I know ever talks about sex like I do, I was beyond curious as to what the lectures would even consist of. I did not expect anything at all. I say that only because if I set the bar too high I would have been disappointed, so with no expectations I figured I would be, "amused," at worst. And that would have been good. Instead of being amused, I found myself choking back tears during Lisa's story. The talk she gave was amazing and last night was the first time I had ever met her. A true show of faith and love and hope and fear and all out happiness was ever present in her and I loved watching how vulnerable she was willing to be in front of a room full of women. I don't do vulnerable with other women so seeing this had me sort of, "awe struck." Maybe I need to work on a softer side towards other women. I hear I am scary all the time but I just don't see it .... What ever the case..... Amazing story!!!!!

I am so glad Beth called me and told me I was going with her (after her mom told her she was going) last night. This is the reason her and I get along so well. Not many can get away with telling me I am going to do something like that, but her, well, I just click with you lady and I love that you included me last night! I needed that.


So all was good after that... except I fell asleep the second my head hit the pillow... and I hogged the entire bed... and Tommy had to get up in the middle of the night and decided to start cleaning up all the files on the computers. He was so frustrated with me. It started at 2 a.m. He was still going strong at noon. That was when the real frustration hit. He made the mistake of telling me to clean up my side of the computer. He wanted to condense all 1900+ photos I had downloaded throughout 2009. I was supposed to go through the photos, delete fuzzy ones and duplicates and then he would teach me the move to the "J" drive. I thought I would speed things up.... So being the computer illiterate I am, I accidentally deleted all of them. Yep, I am serious and yep, I am devastated and yep, I am considering drinking heavily until I get over this screw up of the week.

Between Facebook, missing photos of one of the most amazing years of our life, freakish dreams induced by the Facebook fiasco, sooo many things chewed up by Dozer the Demon Dog, and nights with no sleep, I am so ready to kiss this week good-bye. So this week will be over as of this blog... even though it is only Friday!

Tonight I am ready start my week over. The weekend is here and I am renting a rug cleaner. That always makes everything so much more perfect for me. The simple things ROCK!

I have big, big plans.

We have special deliveries coming next week........ ahhhh and I have tons of redecorating to do tomorrow.

New~

Ahhh...... today is a new day. And after yesterday, I was bound and determined it was going to be one hell of a great day. No matter what I had to do to make it so! I knew it the minute I was up and around, my day was going to be phenomenal. I've had, "the feeling," since midnight, when I woke up on the couch, with the dog on my legs. My Dad gets these feelings too. He says it is an itch.

The morning got better when Tommy came home. It is always better when he comes home.... and we are all alone. The feeling was even stronger by 0900 hours. I didn't mention it to him, but he has seen me get these feelings before.

We were in Vegas.

We won thousands.

If I didn't have kids, I would have been on a plane to Vegas within the hour. I used to do that, back in the day. Hop a plane to Vegas, stay the weekend, play, win, shop, play.... win even more, come home with income for a month.... or five and clothes you see people on red carpets wearing. It was a fun life, for a bit. I couldn't hit the airport today. Ok, let's be honest, I have to plan a trip like that, months in advance now-a-days, so, of course, I can't just go and be as irresponsible as I daydream about being, some afternoons.

Ahhh, let's face it, daydreaming was still not going to render my unscratched itch calmed.....

So, I hit the grocery store, like any normal Mom would, right?

Not quite as fun for a girl like me, but I was without crumb-snatchers and in my own little,"happy place." The grocery store, certainly not a place to throw dice, but they had lottery tickets, just the same.

The itch was unnerving now.

I have a knack for knowing when luck is on my side. Playing lottery numbers didn't seem like something that would quell this feeling. No Powerball Lottery or Pick was gonna fix me. I don't normally do scratchers but I was almost being dragged to them.

Dang, where is a private jet when you need one?

I don't even know anything about scratcher tickets. I don't think I haver ever bought one, ever. Something about my $20.00 bill made me choose a certain ticket. I know, I would think I am crazy too, if I didn't always know what was going to happen. "You gotta run with the feeling when you get it," my Daddy always told me. My Daddy also will take the blame or the credit for teaching me all about gambling, "feelings" ..... depending on how my, "feelings," turn out!

Suffice to say, my feelings have never, ever, in my entire life, been, "off," when it comes to gambling. I have never lost, when all was said and done. EVER! Today was no different. I won $320.00! I couldn't wait to get to grocery shopping, now that it wasn't going to cost me a dime!" And let me tell you, I had serious shopping to do today!!!!

The feeling is still there, and actually, it is even stronger than this morning. Unfortunately I had things I needed to put into the freezer, OR, I just might have called in sick to Mommy hood, for the rest of the day, and hit the Southwest Airlines counter, at Sky Harbor!

HAPPY WEDNESDAY TO ME!

FRUSTRATED~

Today has been one of those days. Nothing has been wrong, yet, nothing was going right. Maybe I just woke up in the wrong bed, at the wrong time, with the wrong warm body, half on top of me. Just a thought. Damn DOG!

Lots to do, not enough time and one little person who did not want to cooperate no matter how much I bribed him today. I made it through the Wal Mart experience with a little child, on foot, in record time, but was still agitated. I wish my parents lived closer and actually wanted to keep the grand kids for play dates and sleep overs.... so I could function. AAAhhhhh, another post for some other time.

When all was said and done, bags unloaded, sans help from the littlest agitator of the family today, I sat down on one of our conversation chairs in a, "humph." The chair proceeded to whistle at me, squeal with delight, vibrate, "zooooom," "zing," and burp.

I burst into tears.

I tried with every ounce of what was left in my, "glass is half full attitude and way of life", to just laugh. It didn't work today. I was just fried. The candle was burned at both ends and the wax had just dripped its last drop in the middle and my flame was instantly extinguished, with the tears of, "who the hell knows where any of this is coming from!!!"

Mental shutdown!

I lifted the pillow to find 6 Zhu Zhu pets, "hidden," from little Pudgie hands, by the big sister who has a really hard time letting Pudgie share toys she knows he will ultimately just break.

Why did we buy a 4 bedroom house?
At this moment... it is about 3500 square feet of wasted space.
When did my kids decide hiding toys behind pillows is the same as putting them away?

I think I am a misunderstood Mom today.

I am definitely on the, "BAD WIFE," list tonight. I broke the ultimate promise in our marriage and I just suck and regret that in a way that words can not even explain.

I read a friends facebook post the other day. It was the epitome of the, "super truth," in my mind.

"CLEANING YOUR HOUSE WHEN YOU STILL HAVE LITTLE KIDS IS LIKE SHOVELING YOUR WALK WAY WHEN IT IS STILL SNOWING."

Ain't that the truth? Or not. Kelly's and Ruth's houses are magnificently spotless. You would never know that there are kids living in their houses when you walk through the front door. I would eat off their floors. Funny thing is, I absolutely love cleaning. You would never guess that. I have always loved cleaning. I have a total habit of putting in the movie Bad Boys II and getting into the groove of flying through the motions of getting the house presentable. I love to run the Dyson over and over and over the carpet. Carpet lines get me all excited. Dusting is awesome. Scrubbing the tile is awesome. I love the smell of a clean house. Not antiseptic clean, but deliciously fresh and clean scents. For whatever reason, I have not been motivated to do this lately. I need to get my rear-end out of this insane funk I am in.

Friday night was my, "I am so done with this family and the laziness and one nameless little girls mouth that I started zinging shoes when someone talked back, refused to clean something up because it was not theirs, or because I got a nasty, "look." If I were food, I would be completely well done. Probably, a burnt to a crisp charcoal briquette, to be honest.

I explained that I would not tolerate their lack of respect for me or their father any longer. They were completely confused about the context of the word,"respect," when I used it with the word chores! I went into detail and very loudly and explained how: refusing to do their chores, having to be asked 40 times to do the same daily chore they have been assigned for 3 months, Mom having to finish their chores for them, having to wait for, "just a minute," and the chores never actually getting done, watching all three kiddos walk past the same piece of garbage or little piece of paper on the floor.... for a week, without picking it up and throwing it away because let's face it... they never saw it! I am sure all of these things are old hat for everyone. The excuses stay the same and the issues never change. I think it is a childhood ritual and then a rite of passage when they finally, "GET IT!"

This has made me start hitting the crossfitting and other forms of working out again. I need it. I am getting agitated way too easily, and, as of late it could turn nasty on the wrong person if I don't get up energy transferred into some form of good exercise.

Thankfully I am starting the "Best I Can Be" challenge on February 1st. It is not all about diet and losing weight. It is about being a better ME. Eating better, listening to myself, doing things for Me that are good for me and living better.

I am sure this is gonna get me going in the right direction!!

A THOUGHT~

I tend to write about cop things and I think some people don't understand why. Well, besides the fact that I was one, and he is one and our life revolves around it. In reality, I write about it because most, at best, don't live in reality.

Most won't admit that their kids need to learn about drugs. Reality is, they are in our kids' school and my kids, they know all about em. Most won't admit bad things happen. Really, really bad things, even on Christmas Eve. Reality is, Tommy saw it this morning, which brings me to this post.

One of the most known things in cop world is, suicide rates go up starting around Thanksgiving and then skyrocket around Christmas. It is a hard known and sad fact. I joked about it two weeks ago. I told Tommy that he would be getting some 901's (dead bodies) since Christmas was sneaking up on us, and way too fast. It bit me today. (My ability to see the future, that is.)

I have been talking about the meaning of Christmas a lot with the kiddo's every night. Watching a wife and mother of 4 lay her Police Officer husband to rest, the day before Christmas Eve, strikes a bad place with me. I cried watching the news yesterday and then held tight to Brinkley as she wiped my tears and told her, "That could have been you and Daddy and Jaxi, so long ago." How will that family move on? And how will Christmas ever, ever bring them joy again?

Last night, as the love of my life left, he was giddy with excitement that he would be home right after shift to get some sleep and to have our best Christmas ever. We are enjoying the years he has both days off since they only come around every decade or so. I anxiously locked myself in my room and had wrapping paper everywhere as I listened for snoopers at my door. With all three finally asleep, I gave up and just covered the last 20 or so gifts and called it a night. A few heartfelt texts between Tommy and I and I fell asleep.

It was way past shift end when Tommy walked through the door. I knew that was a bad sign. Reality struck at 0400 hrs this morning when he responded to a call that broke his heart. The holidays were too much for a woman with three little ones (the baby is only 3 months) a husband and a beautiful home. While I will spare the details, she took her own life in the garage, and if she does not pass away on her own, someone will have to make the heart-wrenching choice to do it for her. Her brain is now mush.

REALITY!

My kids heard the story. I cried again. Brinkley asked if there was a Daddy. Tommy hopes they wait to take her off life support until after the Christmas holiday so the babies lives are not ruined when Christmas comes each year.

Some days I don't want to hear these kinds of things but the reality for us is, he needs to talk about them to keep the sanity. Other days I drink in every detail so I can remember, so I can be thankful, so I can teach our kids, so I can stop and realize how darn luck my family is. It is so easy for me to forget what I have seen. I want my kids to know that life is not all about the pretty bows and things that are nice. Life outside our little street is not nice, people are not always nice and bad things happen, even to good people.

I know it is Christmas and I should be saying things like Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, but the reality is that it is not always Happy, some may not have Christmas that includes gifts like the wise men brought and some will have to learn to just cope this season.

It is a good reality that reels me back from the wrapping paper and hustle and bustle of the next few days and makes me stop and just love what I have and pray for those that don't.

P.S. if You have not watched the video from the last post, I have attached it here as well. You may not drink, but most of the time, it is not the drunk driver that gets hurt. Be Safe This Season!

~H.O.M.E.~

My girlfriend asked if she could come by this morning after she dropped her little guy off at school. It was a strange way that she asked but I welcomed adult female conversation. It has been a while since I have had any, just sitting on my big comfy couch.

During the conversation, she noticed a lot of the changes I have made around our house. It has been a long time since I have had her inside our house. She like all that I had done. New paint, new wall coverings, new pictures, new candles, new lights, more artistic things here and there. Some little, some, not so little. Everything is coming together more and more and our house feels soooo HOMEY and WARM these days. Not that it didn't before, just different. It is more about our family and they way things are between all of us now.

It made me start thinking.....

Today was my downstairs cleaning day. GOOD SCRUBBING DEEP cleaning day. Grout cleaning, nook and cranny dusting, kind of cleaning day. I am still working on my kitchen since I also re-arranged artwork on the walls and had to deal with some things along the way.

Once I was 80% done doing the downstairs cleaning, I took a second to sit down and have a snack. That was when I started wondering what Jax, Binx, and Pudgie would remember about our house growing up. I try very hard to make our house the kid friendly one. None of our rooms are off limits because I have some sacred china or something I can't live without if it gets broken in there. Of course everything has value but the only things with true special meanings are the people that enter through our doors!

We live pretty casually around here. I like it that way. Leather is easy to scrub clean and I happily repaint dirty walls that don't wipe up well.

I wonder if Jax will remember that I put the ottomans in front of the T.V. so that he had a place to put his snacks and drinks when he and Daddy were playing their video games together.

I wonder if he will remember I got him the beanbag because it is more comfortable for them to lay against it as they take out the terrorists and dismember alien life forms.

I wonder if he will ever realize that Daddy picked out the big T.V. just for the purpose of playing cool video games with his kids.

I wonder if Binky will remember that I spent more time on her bedroom, decorating and then redecorating it, than I spent on all 3 of the other bedrooms put together.

I wonder if she will remember that all of my garage is designed around mostly her toys and scooters and jump ropes and walkie talkies and chalk and art supplies. My Escalades spot comes second to keeping her precious roller blades safe.

I wonder if she will remember that I kept our kitchen table because of all the markings she accidentally made from writing her letters and numbers too hard on her papers.

I wonder if Pudgie will remember how hard I worked to draw and paint his entire bedroom, free-hand, Spongebob and Sandy and Squidward and the pineapple.

I wonder if he will remember all his ride on toys that he can park with his eyes closed, perfectly in their assigned parking spots.

I wonder if he will remember our picnics in the grass on lazy sunny afternoons when the other two were at school and we were having special days together.

I wonder if he will remember how I laughed like crazy the first time he decided he wanted to be just like his DOZER puppy and go potty on the grass.....

I want my babies to have memories of this house being awesome. Being a safe zone and one that all their friends were welcome to play at.

I want them to know our house is a HOME that we have fun and laugh and LOVE and play and learn and fight and forgive and bring friends to and have family over, in. I want them to remember that Christmas is our holiday and we always have prime rib with corn and everyone plays the Wii after dinner.

I want them to always remember that our house was loud and fun and filled with joy.

I want everyday to be a day to remember and holidays to be lavish and sacred and times that they tell their own children about one day. I want our house to hold traditions dear to their hearts and that they will want to carry on one day.

I know our house is not the biggest on the block. It may not have the most expensive toys with all the bells and whistles in it, and it surely is not the most organized. The furniture may have spills and the carpet may have spots. The decor may not be for everyone and some may think we are little to forward in our house. Our house does not stay as clean as I would wish for.... and most days, you can find dishes in the sink.

I am good with that.

I am good with that as long as my babies all know that this house is filled with so much love for them everyday it could bring me to tears. It is a safe zone for them to be themselves and let go of all the worries that are still to come, in this crazy life we live.

Licenses~

FAIR WARNING~ I AM JUST SIMPLY RANTING ABOUT BAD PARENTING ..... THIS ENTIRE BLOG!

"Are you freakin kidding me?" That was all I could think. I bit my tongue and thought...."Kiddo, you would last about 20 seconds with me before you got your tail smacked."

You see, Tommy and I don't bargain with 2, 3, 4, 5...8,10, 12 or any number under 18... year olds anymore. It has caused a few arguments here and there and as of late, I lost a friend over it. Grocery shopping at Fry's today, with my 4 year old that has been nothing short of a smart mouth brat that has had hot oil dumped down his throat 6 times today, made me thankful for the fact that he is my brat...that and the fact that the woman behind my carts little demon child was not mine.

I am not kidding when I say that I am more than patient at the grocery store. I have to be. I am the one who does it and until recently, I always had Pudge in tow with me. I fed him through every aisle to keep him quiet. I am not ashamed to admit that I am the mom who hands over the empty yogurt containers to the checker because he ate yogurt and bananas as we shopped. I even bring spoons from home just for this. The stockers know us by name and a few play with Pudgie when he is out of the race car testing me for the morning.


Like all moms, I have my limits.

A 3 year old that is throwing candy bars at me, when it is not my child, does not get, "patient smiles," from me. No bargaining and no little, "hellos," or, "hey buddy...blah blah blah," bs that I would normally throw out there. Instead, I did what I have a certain knack for lately. I made another enemy when I reprimanded this kid, in a round a bout sort of way, to his mom.

I know.... nice going DeAnna.... but in my own defense (like I need to defend my actions to a 3 year old...)

this little guy chucked his 5th candy bar my way, smacking Pudgie square in the face. Last straw.... This was after I had been hit in the neck, boobs and thigh already...... and, I was already having one of those mornings where I was seething about a few things. The fact that this woman did not even once tell this brat to stop, smack his hands, move him so he could not grab the candy bars, or even attempt an apology for the first, second, or even the third time this kid threw these bars had tipped me over the beyond pissed off edge....

I turned to this little kid, then looked at his mom, and said,

"Once is funny, twice is a little un-nerving and the third times the charm... you see, by now, my child's ass would be bright red from the spatula I would be using on it for his being so rude at a grocery store, but maybe you think he needs to learn how to make his choices. I am not in the mood to watch your kid learn to make his choices today. I am going to suggest you move to another line before I bend down and whisper something so incredibly scary to your child, that he will choose not to sleep in his bed for a week. Now you have a great day too!"

I know that all of that popped into my head from making hot dogs over the fire with Jax, Brinkley, Haylee and Pudgie last night. They wanted to tell scary stories and it has been on my mind since last night when I kinda scared them all with some real life cop stories.....

Totally uncool for me to lose mine, but seriously... some people need a license to re-produce.

The woman moved... rather quickly too. She never did pick up the candy bars her demon was throwing, and my checker, well, she almost wet her pants laughing.

At any rate... the horrified look of, "How dare you?" was priceless today and I got over everything that had me in a yuck mood to begin with. Gotta love that, I guess!

CHANGE IS IN THE AIR

BIG CHANGES ARE A COMING TO THE JENSEN HOUSE!

SOME WE ARE THRILLED ABOUT, SURPRISINGLY, SINCE I HATE CHANGE.

SOME, NOT SO MUCH.

WE ARE EMBRACING EVERYTHING...

BUT I HAVE A HEADACHE SO I CAN'T STARE AT THE COMPUTER ANY LONGER.....SOON THOUGH!

I go back.....

This is probably one of the biggest pet peeves Tommy has with me. Every single part of my life, I associate to some song or band or group. Every moment. It is crazy. It drives Tommy nuts when I can hear a song and I am right back to a particular moment in time. Some good, some amazing and some that should remain tucked far, far away. Whatever the case, it is hereditary. Just like Kenney Chesney's song, "I go back," I do... to any place, any time, any where I want, in my past, with just a song.

I heard Bryan Adams today. "Summer of 69." It took me back to Susan, Crista, Amy and Jesse. We graduated in '89 so of course we changed the number. What a summer we had. Then of course, the clock started re-winding, back and back.

The sound of Creedance Clearwater Revivals, "Rollin on the river," takes me back to the Ozarks. Learning to water ski at 4 years old and fishing with my parents and my sister on our boat. Swimming all the way out to the floating dock, in the cove, by myself.

I learned how to country dance to, "Copperhead Road," at Denim and Diamonds, when I was 22 and thought I knew everything.

"Must have been Love," by Roxette takes me back to high school and seeing the movie, Pretty Woman, with the wrong guy.

"Let's give 'em something to talk about," by Bonnie Rait takes me back to my first love. Jon Secada's, "If you leave," takes me back to that heartache of that lost so-called-love.

"Go rest high on that mountain," by Vince Gill immediately brings on the tears. The horror of when Jimbo was shot and killed in the line of duty is right in front of me again.

"I'm alive," by Celine Dion flashes pictures of the hospital after my wreck. It is like I am right there, reliving those long 31 days at SHC-O.

Meatloafs, "I would do anything for love," sets me back to the days at the jail when I was so young and living life at mach 3 with my tail on fire.

Each of my kiddies have songs associated with the day we brought them home from the hospital. The song that was playing on the radio, in our car, will forever be embedded in my mind with each baby.

I am instantly transported back to Scottsdale Road and Thunderbird when we had to pull over with Jax. He had just made a sound and of course, being new parents, we had to stop and make sure he was ok. Sound Garden's, "I wanna stand with you," will always take me back there, instantly, to that moment.

Barney's, "I love you, you love me," as funny as it sounds... is everything Brinkley. She bopped around singing that all day everyday. to this day, I can't stand to listen to, look at, or touch, anything Barney.

I just find it amazing that Brinkley has this trait. She equates all aspects of her life to songs she listens to and loves and whatever may be happening in her life right then and there. Colbie Calait and Taylor Swift are huge for her right now!

I love that she thinks like me when it comes to this. I always tell Tommy, and our kids, that the past is what has made us who we are today and if we were to change one single inkling of what we did, who we did it with, or how we lived.... our life would be completely different. There would be that possibility that we would not even be here together.

It still drives him nuts, but he knows that no matter where a song may take me back to in the past........

anything, "Enya," is what reminds me of rose petals, candles, and a long plane ride home, to my future!

AGAINST SOCIETY...

HERE'S TO THOSE THAT CHOOSE TO GO AGAINST THE NORM AND DANCE TO THEIR OWN DRUM.

I HOPE I AM RAISING MY KIDS TO DANCE LIKE EVERYONE IS WATCHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0&feature=email

Exhaustion

So I am sitting here... exhausted wondering why I get so many stupid emails. Seriously lame, time wasting, junk mail filling garbage... and then I decided to look at some of this stuff.

Now, when I say I am exhausted.... I went to bed at roughly, 3:30 a.m., after our awesome block party last night... because of course, I had to do nothing after, but was still not able to fall asleep. (It really had to do with the fact that Binky and her friends were sleeping on the trampoline next door and I seriously slept with one eye open and both ears perked, and all three guns loaded.... just in case....) Then Darth Vader baby woke his silly dupee up at 5:15 a.m., just in time for our garbage man to make way too many trips around our block........ Stupid me told Tommy.. heck yeah we are going to the gym.... we have big plans tomorrow so we absolutely can't miss today's muscle crippling workout..... sheesh IDIOT me!

So anyways... I am supposed to be taking a nap. I was ordered to go upstairs and lay down. I took that as the, "you really look like crap honey, but I love you so go lay down" little hint from Tommy. AAAAHHH Married life.. what are you gonna do?

So here is what I learned today.. all from my email, oh and two political phone messages....

I can lose 20 lbs by Christmas because it was seen on Rachel Ray, but it is best if I do it with my free sample of crystal light before I call and get a lower interest rate on a 2009 car but wooooohh nelly... call to get the lowest rate on car insurance through, who else? yep, The Lowest Car Insurance Rate Co. (Who in their right mind would really call them?... ok onward) Now, after calling them, I should call about the beach front property starting at $15,000 and if I buy there, I better call Dish direct and get cable for $19.99 a month for life with a $50.oo mail in rebate, which I can then insure my life with, you guessed it, Life Insurance Direct Co. The guaranteed lowest rates if you die in a vat of bat bait on a Tuesday near Switzerland when the snow melts at a 73.8 degree angle from the north star... get my drift? Then I figured I could contact all my high school buddies at a lower Classmates.com rate if I upgrade to the gold membership, only after I contact Oprah to get her secret to looking thinner by 50lbs in two weeks... (Who do these people think they are kidding?) Then, I can simplify my life by buying a Hooveround which comes with a vacuum attachment/Roomba for easy housecleaning. (Does that one even make any sense?) After I am done Hoovering around my house, watching my roomba make it sparkle and shine, I can find the love of my life after I turn 50, but first, I will become a Stock Trader... because now it is being made easier by the e-mail courses at the newest online degree site, which, by the way, offers corrections, paralegal, law enforcement, business, banking, cooking and veterinarian certificates .. you guessed it.. online from the security and privacy of your own home. Yahoo.. I guess I could become a stock-trading, animal saving, banker who bakes bread for criminals. Whew, I am really tired now... maybe I should check out the latest and greatest energy drink..Acaci berry juice that comes with a money back guarantee..wait, first I need to finish the newest Human Resources course offered so I can break through the glass ceiling which will then put me straight into.. yep, you guessed it, my free pilot lessons for small aircraft and helicopters.........

I gotta nap... I have a lot to do this week! I am gonna be one smart, skinny, air-craft flying, bread baking, friendly, new car driving, voting for the right things, money making, house cleaning, machine.

LIFE...

Pudgie was up at the crack of dawn today. Probably even earlier. I wanted to kick Tommy to make him deal with him...but Saturday's I don't have that option....YET..... We headed downstairs and I dozed on the couch.



I woke up to screaming upstairs. Pudgie does not like for Jax and Binx to sleep when he is awake. He abruptly fixes the problem when I take my eyes off him.. or fall asleep on the couch. They all came downstairs and started playing lego star wars together. I watched them.... wondering when I took a shower last.....



It just suddenly hit me. When did my baby turn 8 years old? How did that happen? How long has it been since Brinkley had short little poofs on the sides of her head because her hair just would not grow and she had to have piggy poofs as we would call them? When did my babies get big?



And how am I 36? What the heck?



Then to top it off. While working out at the gym yesterday, one of the daycare workers tells me, after I have said Pudgie just won't talk and maybe I need to get his hearing checked, "Oh Pudgie was talking today! Pudgie was talking to everyone in here. Saying Blue and Hi and See and Go...and of course...PUZZLE" Whatever! This little stinker of mine. He has me ready to sign him up for therapy and he knows he is driving me nuts... SMART boy already I tell you! Anyway...



How does this happen? This, to me, the girl that was one-track-career-minded and never really gave marriage a second thought, and babies were just not in my scheme of things to ever come and BAM........



Here I am today in my big house, with my big horse of a dog, a cat that is pretty darn cool... three little munchkins playing till their hearts are content, while daddy sleeps. How does this happen? And where did the last 10 years of my life go?



Somedays I feel 86 and some days I think I look better than others, but I still wonder... what happened to 1999? Or 1989 for that matter. It seems like yesterday I was calling my mom to tell her I was marrying Tommy.... or even farther back... to the day I got the phone call that I was going to the police academy. Where did that time go? As one person asked me not so long ago... what has been happening with me and where have I been?



Well, I have been here and there and LIFE has been happening everyday. Some days are seriously better than others. Some days I would love to run far and fast from LIFE as I know it. I would probably only make it to Target though. That is where I buy Pudgie's night night diapers.



I can't say that this is where I thought I would be at 36. I know it is the best place for my kids and Tommy and of course, for me as well. Sometimes, just sometimes, what is good for the geese (in my family's case) just ain't so hot for the gander.... but I wouldn't trade it. I wouldn't trade this LIFE for anything... EVER!



I just wonder, how is it that this wonderful thing called LIFE just seems to keep flying by me within the blinks of 4 sets of beautiful blue eyes.